A wife, one evening, drew her husbands attention to the couple next door and said, Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why dont you do that?

I would love to, replied the husband, but I dont know her well enough.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, Those are called condoms, son…. Men use them to have safe sex.

Oh I see, replied the boys pensively. Yes, Ive heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, Why are there 3 in this package.

The dad replies, Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

Cool! says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, Then who are these for? Those are for college men. the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

WOW! exclaimed the boy, then who uses THESE? he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……..

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a new bra.

Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!

Wife: You wear shorts!

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. Its for my husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to shoot him!

Two aliens landed on a farm. The farmer and his wife took the aliens in and showed them their way of life and everything. One day the farmer and his wife get to talking. The farmer asks his wife, I wonder what the aliens do for sex? The farmers wife replied, I dont know. Do you want to find out? The farmer agrees.

So, that night, the farmer took the female alien up to one room while his wife took the male alien up to another room. As the wife was getting into bed, she looked down at the aliens pecker and starts laughing. Youve got to be kidding me! she laughed.

The alien told her to wait for a moment. Then he slapped his cheeks and pulled his ears and the thing grew to a very impressive size. The next day, the farmer asks his wife, So, how was your night? She replied, Oh, it was wonderful. It was the best night of my life! How was yours? Well, not so good, replied the farmer, all she kept doing all night was slapping my cheeks and pulling my ears.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a code to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: Maxwell House Coffee.

The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, Satisfaction to the last drop…

So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.

After a week, there was a message that read: Rothmans Mattresses.

So the mother looks at the Rothmans Mattresses ad, and it says, Full size, king size.

And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third ones wedding. Mother is anxious.

After four weeks came the message: British Airways. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldnt sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughters bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, Thats normal, especially on her wedding night.

She snuck by her second oldest daughters room and heard her laughing.

Thats normal too, she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughters room where she didnt hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last nights noises. Well Mom, she replied, you always said if it hurt I should scream.

Youre absolutely right sweetheart, the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. Now why were you laughing? she asked.

You always said if it tickled, I could laugh, she answered.

True enough, honey. The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. Now its your turn, baby, she said turning to her youngest daughter. Why was it so quiet in your room last night?

Mom, dont you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.