If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

If parallel lines meet at infinity – infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who made a career change and became an surgeon specializing in ob/gyn?
A: His specialty was histerectograms.

Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs?
A: A high flyer.

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Lets look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.

Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Lets look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.

From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.

1. They speak only the Greek language.

2. They usually have long threatening names such as Bonferonni, Tchebycheff, Schatzoff, Hotelling, and Godambe. Where are the statisticians with names such as Smith, Brown, or Johnson?

3. They are fond of all snakes and typically own as a pet a large South American snake called an ANOCOVA.

4. For perverse reasons, rather than view a matrix right side up they prefer to invert it.

5. Rather than moonlighting by holding Amway parties they earn a few extra bucks by holding pocket-protector parties.

6. They are frequently seen in their back yards on clear nights gazing through powerful amateur telescopes looking for distant star constellations called ANOVAs.

7. They are 99% confident that sleep can not be induced in an introductory statistics class by lecturing on z-scores.

8. Their idea of a scenic and exotic trip is traveling three standard deviations above the mean in a normal distribution.

9. They manifest many psychological disorders because as young statisticians many of their statistical hypotheses were rejected.

10. They express a deap-seated fear that society will someday construct tests that will enable everyone to make the same score. Without variation or individual differences the field of statistics has no real function and a statistician becomes a penniless ward of the state.

Psst, cmere, said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.

What are you selling? I asked.

Geometrical algebra drugs.

Huh!?

Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers…

Stop right there, I interrupted. Ive never heard of inside-outers.

Oh, man, youll love em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin Escher on a particularly weird day.

Go on…

OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones, he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.

What are those, then? I asked.

Givens transformers. Theyll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed.

Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?

Theres a whole variety of them. Heres one youll love — they call it One Over Z on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and youll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Theorem: log(-1) = 0
Proof:
a. log[(-1)^2] = 2 * log(-1)

On the other hand:
b. log[(-1)^2] = log(1) = 0

Combining a) and b) gives:
2* log(-1) = 0
Divide both sides by 2:
log(-1) = 0