Doctor: Did you take the patients temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.

Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasnt changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.

David: My wife beats me, doctor.

Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

David: Every time we play Scrabble!

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Dont panic. Hell be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

The patient shook his doctors hand in gratitude and said, Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

That is very kind of you, said the doctor emotionally, and then added, Can I see that prescription I just gave you? Id like to make a little change.

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? Whats the very bad news?

Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?

Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.

Doctor: Youre in good health. Youll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.