Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Trish: Really? What color?

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! Youve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. Im under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didnt I, you stupid fool!!

Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

Doctor: Oh, really?

Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.

Involvement with the patients suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctors presence or under his direct care.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Why is cum white and urine yellow?

So you can tell if youre coming or going!

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.

The other day, I got one from an Alzheimers group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!