A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

Patient: I wanna second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, youre ugly, too.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

Excuse me, he said, have you lost something?

No, replied one of the doctors. Were doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.

My 71 year old father just had open heart surgery after experiencing a heart attack. After the surgery, the doctor told him that he couldnt have sex for 3 months.

My dad asked, Do the last two months count?

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I cant see him now. Next.

Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

A
woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, Im a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, its difficult to describe
pain."

"I know, but cant you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…"

"Like this?"

"A little more…"

"Like this?"

"No. A little more…"

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

There are more jokes like this at http://www.hamerkaz.com.au

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasnt all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I dont want to miss the four oclock ball game.

A patient walks into a doctors office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!