A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing offguard rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

I know said the manager. Lets have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and well be on our way.

No, said the hardware engineer. Ive got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the cars braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and well be on our way.

Wait, said the software engineer. Before we do anything, shouldnt we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?

Youve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
Arsenio touches your knee.
Even Richard Dawson wont kiss you.
Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesnt bother you.
The EPA comes looking for you.
You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
Frederic actually comes to your door himself … just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
When people say Ho, Ho, Ho and its July.
When you dont know Whats his name?
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
You are the headquarters for the CDC.
Your baby looks familiar, but … like who?
When they change your # to 976.
Tetracycline is your best friend.
McDonalds calls you The Happy Meal.
It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
When youve got a Take a NUmber machine at your door.
When they call you Shazam and they dont mean the money machine!
When you get hemorrhoids on your shoulders.
When getting dresses is not part of your day.
Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
When youre wearing more latex than spandex.
When your motto is 2 Days, 2 Pounds … $2.90.
When your ceiling mirrors fog.
When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
On the golf course, your afraid to yell Fore (four).
When the word Slalom gets you excited.
When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
When you have a neon sign saying open at night.
You want to have your name changed to Misty.
Madonna comes to you for pointers.
You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
You havent seen your floor in a week.
When sunlight scares you.
When your favorite quote is next please.
You know all the people in Americas Most Wanted.
When Susan Sarandon envies you.
When Guinness Book starts calling.
When every song reminds you of someone … but who?
When everyone is refers to you as dear and honey.
When he doesnt even have to buy you a drink.
When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
The only place you havent had sex is on the moon.
When a mens prison becomes a vacation hot spot
The Big Dipper looks inviting.
When soft foods have become distasteful.
White sauce is a staple in your diet.
When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
When other women begin to call you Mans Best Friend.
You and Prince have already made 3 records.
When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Thats an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because thats the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because thats the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Military specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.



A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:



Dear Mary,



I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!

[Ed: This joke was placed in rot13 by the original poster.]

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows, Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you
(deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the
man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers, LOOSEN RANKS!

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick.
With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

Did that hurt, Mister? the Captain demands.

No, SIR! the recruit shouts.

Why not? barks the Captain.

Because Im a U.S. Marine, SIR!

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man
across the butt.

Did that hurt, Mister?

No, SIR!

Why not?

Because Im a U.S. Marine, SIR!

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the
men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the
proffered target.

Did that hurt, Mister?

No, SIR!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.



Youve got to have a room somewhere, he pleaded. Or just a bed, I dont care where.



Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.



No problem, the tired Marine assured him. Ill take it.



The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Howd you sleep? Asked the manager.



Never better.



The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?



Nope, I shut him up in no time. Said the Marine.



Howd you manage that? asked the manager.



He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, the Marine explained. I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfelds Suggested Military Cost-Cutting Measures

All major ground wars will be fought entirely by Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg.
Combine Army and Navy into cost-effective super-force called the Narvmy.
Live out the new national advertising slogan: Army of None. [TV spot will depict a driverless tank, meandering across battlefield, firing at random.]
In a compromise with bumper-sticker liberals, the nations teachers will be forced to donate the proceeds of their bake-sales to the Army, which will then use the money to buy bombers.
Cadets crisp five-finger salute to superior officers scaled down to three fingers and a look of sincere, filial respect.
After battles, soldiers collect used bullets for recycling.
Inter-Continental missiles no longer ballistic, just slightly peeved.

by Nicholas Danforth Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.


19. I can see the gun of Navarone.


18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.


17. Youve got Windows on your laptop.


16. Sailor Neds trying to take a little shore leave.


15. Your soldier aint so unknown now.


14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.


13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.


12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…


11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.


10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!


9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.


8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!


7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.


6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!


5. Youve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.


4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…


3. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.


2. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?


1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.Youve got to have a room somewhere, he pleaded. Or just a bed, I
dont care where.Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,
admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.No problem, the tired Navy man assured him. Ill take it.The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. Howd you sleep? asked the manager.Never better.The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring?Nope, I shut him up in no time said the Navy guy.Howd you manage that? asked the manager.He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, the
sailor explained.I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,
Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so dont expect toomuch.)IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better