A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then
silence.

The voice then calls out One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, Dont send any more men, its a trap. Theres two of them!

This joke was told to me by a friend:

Jesus, hanging on the cross, says, Peter, come here. Peter, thinking he is
about to receive a profound religious truth, tries goes to Jesus but Roman
soldiers push him back.

Again Jesus summons, Peter, come here. Peter tries to, but Roman soldiers
again push him away.

Jesus summons a third time, Peter come here. Peter gathers all of his
strength and finally breaks through. Bleeding from several lance wounds,
Peter says, Yes, Master?

Jesus looks upon Peter and says, I can see your house from here!

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving
down a muddy back road encountered another car
stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the
wheel. Your jeep stuck, sir? asked the lieutenant
as he pulled alongside.

Nope, replied the colonel, coming over and handing
him the keys, Yours is.

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump.
Before the jump the instructor recalls, You leave the air plane, count till three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull the emergency cord. Then the emergency parachute will open. On the ground there is a lorry waiting. We will meet on the lorry again. Good luck!

The first recruit jumps, counts till three and pulls the cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing happens. The recruit is not surprised and says, As far as I know the army, I bet the lorry will not be there, either.

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.

(and I thought it was hard to write down verbal humor . . . Ill give it
a try though.)

This was a one panel cartoon in Aboriginal Science Fiction.

On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth:
An alien soldier and his commander.

Soldier to commander:
Well, now that weve captured their king theyll have to surrender!

Behind them, bound and gagged:
Elvis.

During an Army war game a commanding officers jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

Sorry sir, said one of the loafers, but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldnt contribute in any way.



The C.O. turned to his driver and said, Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.

Isnt history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew (or pluck yew).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!

Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as giving the bird.

And yew thought yew knew everything …

South Africa, 1885. Coupla days before Rorkes Drift. 100 British soldiers (all dressed in that ridiculous red gear + bearskins) surrounded by 100,000 Zulus. Its been a long hot day and dusk is falling.

General Lord Upper-Class-Chinless-Wonder turns to his batman. Corporal, its too quiet. The natives are up to something and our relieving forces are still 2 days away.

Right on queue the sound of a chant, gradually rising, can be heard. Slowly but surely it reaches a deafening intensity. 100,000 Zulus all belting out their challenge – the prelude to battle.

Just as the soldiers think they can stand it no more the chanting ceases completely. Absolute silence. Almost audible in itself now the Zulus are hushed. The sound of war drums starts and gathers pace gradually until it is all around the defenders.

Once again the General turns to his loyal servant Smith, I dont like the sound of those drums.

At which point all goes quiet and a Zulu pops up from behind bush not 50 yards distant – Its not our regular drummer.

You might just be white trash if …

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.

Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.

Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.

You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.