After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander
was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically
performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them
that Her Majestys Army had committed to reward each of the three
soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different
parts of the mans body.

The commander addressed the first soldier, Where would you like
to be measured, Sergeant? From the tip of me head to the soles
of me feet, Sir! he replied. Very good!, the commander said,
and the sergeant was measured at 65. He was paid the handsome
sum of 7000 pounds.

The second soldier was asked, What about you, Corporal? Between
the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir! the corporal
said. Very good! replied the commander. The corporal, a man of
considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.

Finally, the last soldier was addressed. And you, Private, where
would you like measured? From the tip of me penis to the base of
me balls, Sir! retorted the private. The commander replied, I must
admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but its your
decision. He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing
measurement. Immediately the generals mouth fell agape and he
stammered, Where in Gods name are your gonads, Private?!!
The private proclaimed, Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!

A recent TASS headline:

SPACE IS NO ESCAPE FROM DIMWIT BUREAUCRATS

A soviet officer faces charges that he failed to respond to four
notifications for army reserve service. Since November, however, he
has been orbiting earth in a space station. I guess the mail service
just isnt all its cracked up to be…

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt
to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers,
etc. And none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small
ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone
number.

Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked,
How much weight do you want to lose? to which the man responded, Ten pounds.
The voice replied, Very well, put your check in the mail and well have a
representative over to your house in the morning.

About 9:00 the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a
beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck
stating, If you catch me you can screw me. Well the overweight fellow chased
her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house.
Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself she said,
Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself! He did just that and was
amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How
much weight do you want to lose? to which the somewhat less overweight man
replied, Twenty pounds. Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Put
your check in the mail and well have a representative over to your house in the
morning.

At about 8:00 the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he
opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign
around her neck stateing If you catch me you can screw me. The chase took
awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her. When he was through
she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself! He ran to the
bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

This is fantastic! he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the
number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want
to lose? Fifty pounds! the man exclaimed. Fifty pounds? the voice asked.
Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time. The overweight man replied,
My checks already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in
the morning, and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up,
ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck
stating, If I catch you, Im going to screw you.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark. And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, Okay, said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.



Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah! shouted the Lord, Where is the Ark? Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.



Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So, no owls.



The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.



Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians Im supposed to hire.



The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.



The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked hopefully. No, said the Lord sadly, The government already has!

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest
department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and
said, Id like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra? asked the clerk.

Type? inquires the man, There is more than one type?

Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
size, color and material.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of
bras, replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied, The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the
Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked, What is the difference between them?

The lady responded, It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports
the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type
makes mountains out of mole hills.

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made thedecision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, shecalled her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On awoman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort
in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk – dislodging the
dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

Ive spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, Ive been able to discount all the facts to the
contrary – the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage
and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce: This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez.

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Dont
try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.
Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close
the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.
(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all th
e
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls
tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves,
an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw
the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are
lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In
a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
of your life. Cats have no handles.

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
Hell then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
himself off. (The national record is – for cats – three latherings,
so dont expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out
at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact,
the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through.
Thats because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right
leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel
and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the
top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is
to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all
the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat.
Do NOT try to use a blow dryer. You might
as well use a vacuum cleaner.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.
He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isnt usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give
him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

Q: Why do navy ships have marines on them?

A: Sheep would be to obvious.

[Heard on the radio recently in Ithaca, NY]

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend
off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a
shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and
punch it in the nose as hard as possible.

If this doesnt work, beat the shark with your stump.

While attending US Armys Airborne School…..
Day before our first jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes,
students are called Ariborne) demonstrated all the possible
malfunctions one might encounter. After watching a total malfunction,
i.e. the parachute fails to deploy, one of the students asked: SGT
Airborne, if we have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to
deploy our reserve parachutes?

Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!

Gulp.