Mary was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.



On a woman, the doctor said, the heart would be just below your left breast.? Later that night, Mildred was found in the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Do you know why the new [ethnic] navy is buying glass-bottomed boats for their
new fleet?

So they can see the old [ethnic] navy.

A delegation from the USA came to Norway, and after the grand reception and everything, asked to be taken to the monument of the unknown soldier.
The hosts became very confused, and didnt know what to do – they had no such thing – they feared a diplomatic incident!
Suddenly – one of the hosts said – follow me! So – desperate as they were – they did – they followed him. Suddenly – they came to a hill, on top of which there was a statue of Sibelius.
Puzzled, everyone asked him what was that supposed to be! and so he explained: Sibelius was very very famous as a composer, but as a soldier – he was completely unknown!

Before anybody decides to correct me if i m wrong – DONT CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS!

EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME …

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DONT forward an email!

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesnt know anything about a gift certificate theyre supposed to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, Outback or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail …NEVER-NEVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESNT WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this
to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I dont believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at

In the mid 80s a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna, Spain, for a weeks shore leave. (Well, leave for the crew, not the cruiser.) The first evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:

Dear Captain,

On Thursday, it will be my daughters coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers.

They should arrive at 8 p.m. – One last point: no Jews – we dont like Jews.

Sure enough, at 8 on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely-mannered, wealthy, single, BLACK officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out There must be some mistake.

Madam, said the first officer, Captain Cohen doesnt make mistakes.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. Listen up, men, says the Sergeant. Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldnt you be a bit more tactful, next time?

Yes, sir, answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGraths mother died. Youd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. Not so fast, McGrath!

OFF THE WIRE

News We Just Couldnt Pass Up

A bad-tempered parrot named Henry has been banned from a national womens lawn-bowling championship in Britain for laughing and making disrespectful remarks.
Students protesting militarism in Israel wanted more than a banner to reach the public – so they painted an army tank memorial bubble-gum pink.
A 13-year-old Ugandan girl was forced to marry her elder sisters husband-to-be after the bride eloped hours before a traditional marriage ceremony.
A Russian political group will award $3,000 to the person who provides the best joke about its opponents in Decembers parliamentary elections.
After two days baking, 10,000 eggs and 9 tons of flour, Chilean cooks finished what they claimed was the worlds largest cake. It weighed 25 tons.
Esso Singapore has hired 10 university students to sing and dance for customers while filling their gas tanks and wiping their windows.
In Kissimmee, Fla., Ronald Legendre promised to love and honor his bride forever. His best man was Ronald Legendre and Judge Ronald Legendre pronounced the happy couple husband and wife. The three men are not related.
An Ohio woman collected a $500 judgement from a telemarketer who called her once too often.
Romanian police found a couple making love in a Bucharest park and fined them the equivalent of $25 for damaging the grass, which carries steeper fines than indecent exposure.
A country bandleader thanked Medford, Ore., doctors who relieved his prostate problems with a serenade – during the operation. He was under local anesthetic.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss, From The Seattle Times, Saturday, August 19, 1995. Reprinted without permission.

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: So how are your men?

Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.

I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see theyre the bravest men all over the country. Well, my men are very brave, too.

Id like to see that.

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!

Are you crazy? Itd kill me, you idioy! Im out of here! As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.

[This mail, copyright, the Indian masses – C.]

There will be branches of Olive Garden all over India and they will be called OZinda Bagicha!
The only vegetarian dish will be Eggplant Parmesan and it will be called Anda-Pauda Parmeshwaran!
All Vadapav Gaadis and Stalls will be selling Pizza and Pasta.
Indias National Sport will be – of course, Soccer.
Laloo will lose his position as the national animal and will be replaced by Jayalalitha!
National vegetable – Zucchini!
There will be Pope John Pauls yearly visit TWICE every year!
Jahangir Art gallery will be renamed to Michaelangelos Confetti House!
Men in Indian Army will wear Mini Skirts! (Yikes!)

And … the number one thing that will happen if Sonia Becomes the Prime Minister of India is …

All Sindhi People will get promotions in their positions because Madame thinks they are all ITALIANS! (Kotwani, Multani, Vaswani … after all they do resemble Mussolini, Gianini, Benini …)

Whats long and hard and full of seamen?

A submarine.