Q: What is long, hard, and filled with semen?

A: A submarine.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, Youll never find anyone like me again! Im thinking, I should hope not! If I dont want you, why would I want someone like you? A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, I didnt know there were any witnesses. Now Ill have to kill you too. If your parents never had children, chances are you wont either. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then its you. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, lets go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, hes got a spoon. Back off. Ive got the toe clippers right here.

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
A man would no longer be considered a good catch simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Ms Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks.
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would have to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: Im sorry, I love you, Youre beautiful, Of course you dont look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep – Ill take care of the baby, etc.
Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would sit around and wonder what women are thinking.
Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
All toilet seats would be nailed down and men would sit down to pee.
Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator!
During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year old boys.
Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a
temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence
unit. One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all
assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance.
I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed, BUT a few days later, it
came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: You are not
permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee.
Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.

I did.

[Ed: This is a collection of the better shuttle jokes, presented long after the
tragedy. You may well have heard of these. There are more, but Im not
posting them. As usual, do not send any extras to me, and since the
submitter asked to be anonymous, you cant send to him either. ]

SHUTTLE JOKES

Q: Did you know that Christa McAuliffe was blue eyed?
A: One blew left and one blew right.

Q: What were Christa McAuliffes last words?
A: Whats this button do?

Q: What were Christa McAuliffes last words to her husband?
A: You feed the kids – Ill feed the fish.

Q: What was the Shuttles last transmission?
A: I said BUD LITE!

Q: What does NASA stand for?
A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts
A2: Need Another Shuttle Also
A3: Chicken Kiev [Ed: Punchline to another joke.]

Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
A: They didnt know it was going to blow up.

Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
A: Ocean Spray – It was their second choice because they couldnt
get 7-UP.

Q: When the next shuttle launches into space, what will the senior
controller say?
A: 72, 73, 74 BOOM! – Just kidding guys!

Q: What do Playtex tampon users and Christa McAuliffe have in common?
A: They both should have stayed on the pad.

Q: What does a sea lion, the space shuttle and Tylenol have in common?
A: Theyre all looking for a tight seal.

Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?
A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.

Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to
be a naval officer?
A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, theyll
have a rated officer onboard.

Q: What do Christa McAuliffe and Donna Rice have in common.
A: They both went down on the challenger.

Q: Did you hear that they are sending up another teacher on the next
shuttle mission?
A: Shes going to be a substitute.

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out Sir, Good Evening, Sir!

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said Good evening soldier, nice night, isnt it?

Well it wasnt a nice night, but the Private wasnt going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied Sir, Yes Sir!.

The General continued, You know theres something about a stormy night that I find soothing, its really relaxing. Dont you agree?

The Private didnt agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded Sir, Yes Sir!

The General, pointing at the dog, This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued I got this dog for my wife.

The Private simply said Good trade Sir!

A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life.

Its pretty good Dad. The foods not bad, the works easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning.

My army unit was so tough…

How tough was it?



It was so tough, the drill sergent used to wear a wig.



Whats so tough about that?



He used to keep it on with a nail.

Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn? A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

How do you sink a polish submarine?Put it in water