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A kiss in the tunnel

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

Through the center of Lahore theres the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever – which goes
between India and Pak.
In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a
Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.
It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the
Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : Now thats a
fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!
The young woman is thinking : Now thats a strange Pakistani soldier, hedrather kiss that old hag than me.
The Pakistani soldier is thinking : Now thats a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped.
And Santa Singh is thinking : Gee Im smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with
slapping a Pakistani soldier.

The pudding guy!

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles, by parlaying $3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles. Oh, yeah – hes also going to claim an $815 tax write-off.

Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart down the frozen-food aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a Healthy Choice frozen entree caught his eye He could earn 500 miles for every 10 Universal Product Codes (bar codes) from Healthy Choice products he sent to the company by Dec.31. Even better Any bar codes mailed by he end of the month would rack up double the mileage, or 1,000 miles for very 10 labels.

I started doing the math, and I realized that this was a great deal, he said. I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could be the way.

Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips found cans of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each. He filled his cart with them, and then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a warehouse-style discount store. And there he hit the mother lode. They had individual servings of chocolate pudding for 25 cents apiece, he said. And each serving had its own bar code on it. I did some more math and decided to escalate my plans.

Phillips cleaned the store out – bought every last cup of pudding in the warehouse. He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the other Grocery Outlet in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law riding shotgun in his van, spent a weekend scouring the shelves of every store from Davis to Fresno. There were 10 stores in all, he said. Luckily, most of them were right off the freeway.

He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and stacked additional cases in his living room. But Phillips wasnt finished yet! He had the manager of his local Grocery Outlet order him 60 more cases. A few days later I went out behind the store, he said, and there were two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with my name on them.

All in all, hed purchased 12,150 individual servings of pudding.

Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow readers of the Webflyer Web site (http://www.flyertalk.com/), where he posted an account under the name Pudding Guy.

Phillips tale was met with skepticism, if not outright dis-belief, until he uploaded photos of his haul. (Theyre still there, at http://www.flyertalk.com/pudding.htm).

But then Pudding Guy discovered he had a problem on his hands The deadline for earning double miles was quickly approaching, and there was simply no way Phillips and his wife could tear off all those bar codes in time. I had to come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast he said.

Phillips trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation Army, which agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food donation.

Wed never seen anything like it, said Larry Hostetler, community relations director for the Sacramento Salvation Army. Weve gotten some big donations, but always from companies and institutions, not individual people.

Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and then held his breath. The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any Healthy Choice product, he said. But still, it seemed like there was a good chance theyd get me on some technicality.

But then packages – large packages – started arriving in the mail from Healthy Choice. In all, they contained 2,506 certificates, each good for 500 miles. Thats 1,253,000 miles. Under the terms of the promotion, Phillips could have the mileage posted in any airline account. He split 216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest accounts and posted the rest – 1,037,000 miles – to his American Airlines account. By surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has Advantage Gold status for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priority boarding, upgrades and bonus miles.

While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy did a little math – as you night have noticed by now, hes very, very good at math – and figured out that scheme netted him enough miles for 31 round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or 42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in the U.S.

Wow – 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000, I said. Thats less than $100 a ticket.

Oh, its better than that, Phillips said. Since I gave the pudding to charity I can take a tax write-off of $815. So that brings the cost of a ticket to Europe down to $75.

As it turns out, Pudding Guy didnt donate all his stash to the food banks. He kept about 100 servings for himself, and hes just about finished them.

Actually, he said, I really like the stuff.

From the San Francisco Examiner

{And thanks to Steve Kilbride}

OH, do behave!

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Lets get you out of those wet clothes.
Nice legs… What time do they open?
Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
Youve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but Im the only one talking to you.
Im a bird watcher and Im looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
Im fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight
Wanna play army? Ill lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Id really like to see how you look when Im naked.
You might not be the best looking girl here but beauty is only a light switch away.
You must be the limp doctor because Ive got a stiffy.
Id walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If its true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(Look down at your crotch) Well Its not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, Id have sex with me.
You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name) … remember that, youll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?

YEAH BABY YEAH!

Whats the difference between Iraqs air force and the United States Air Force?

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

Q: Whats the difference between Iraqs air force and the United States Air Force?

A: The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

Russian and American submarines

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

Editors note – This was my first ever post to the HUMOR-L mailing list.

German fisherman was at the sea with a small boat. After some time American submarine surfaced near him. The captain asked the fisherman: Have You seen any Russian submarines lately?

Yes, I have, they went to north-east, the fisherman replied.

Thanks very much, and off they went, to north-east… After some time, Russian submarine surfaced, and their commander asked the same fisherman, Have You seen any American submarines lately?

Fishermans answer was the same: Yes, and they went to north-east.

What?, asked russian submarines commander.

I said, they went to north-east!

What a hell means north-east, Youd better show us the direction with your hand, if You dont want us to sink you!

Darwin Award Winner for 1997

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Darwin Award Winner for 1997 Announced

You all know about the Darwin Awards – Its an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit
to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the
roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles — one of the few
Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larrys
boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he
joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor
eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the
local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the
balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still
only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack
of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun– figuring he could pop a few
balloons when it was time to descend– and went back to the floating
lawn chair.

He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larrys
plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back
yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

Things didnt quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didnt
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky
as if shot from a cannon. He didnt level off at 30 feet, nor did he
level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at
11,000 feet. At that height he couldnt risk shooting any of the
balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in
trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more
than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the
primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A
United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described
passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the
existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX
emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was
falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to
sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the
helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry
was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the
draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was
hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by
the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was
arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As
he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring
rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped,turned and replied
nonchalantly, A man cant just sit around.

Lets hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.

Memorial Day

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

As told to me by a friend in the British Army:

A British officer spotted a busker (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker
had a sign which read: VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR.
The officer thought, Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: Gracias, Senor!!

How Long

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a
correspondence course was stymied by the question,
How long has your present employer been in business?

He thought for a moment, then wrote, Since 1776.

New inventions by blondes.

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chairs

Water proof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alchohol

Reusable ice cubes

See through tiolet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Helicopter ejector seat

Sub

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

Q: What is long, hard, and full of seamen?

A: A submarine!