Bragging about old times

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

Why, my outfit was so well drilled, declared one, that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.

Very good, conceded the other, but when my company presented arms youd just hear slap, slap, jingle.

What was the jingle? asked the first. Oh, replied the other offhand, just our medals.

Andrea was telling me about her brother, when he was a soldier serving overseas, how when he was far from home and was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying:

Regret cannot remember which one is you –please keep your photo and return the others.

From the German Army Hand-Book:

The soldier is allowed to begin swimming without a special order of his seargant if the depth of the water he is marching in is more than half a meter.

(And this is no joke!)

The soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with the following note:

I regret that I cannot remember which one is you – please keep your photo and return the others.

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his
days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick accent)

In 1942, he says, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very
strong air force. I remember, he continues, one day I was protecting the
bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and
shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was
another fokker behind me.

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys
start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, I think I should point
out that Fokker was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company

Thats true, says the pilot, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: Hed just signed up at an army recruiters office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs, snickered one: You didnt really do that, did you?

Im positive youd never get through basic training scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

Ames
Here!

Jenson
Here!

Jones
Here!

Magersky
Here!

Seeback
—

Seeback!
—

SEEBACK!!!
—

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeants ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Artery
The study of paintings

Bacteria
Back door of a cafeteria

Barium
What doctors do when a patient dies

Bowel
A letter like a, e, i, o, or u

Cesarean Section
A neighborhood in rome

Cat Scan
Searching for a kitty

Cauterize
Had eye contact with her

Colic
A sheep dog

Coma
A punctuation mark

D & C
Where Washington is

Dilate
To live long

Enema
Not a friend

Fester
Quicker

Fibula
A small lie

Genital
Not a jew

G.I. Series
A soldiers ball game

Hangnail
Coat hook

Impotent
Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff
A doctors cane

Morbid
A higher offer

Nitrates
Cheaper than day rates

Node
Was aware of

Outpatient
A person who has fainted

Pap Smear
A fatherhood test

Pelvis
A cousin to Elvis

Post Operative
Letter carrier

Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery

Rectum
Damn near killed em

Secretion
Hiding something

Seizure
Roman emperor

Tablet
Small table

Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport

Ultrasound
Very good music

Urine
Opposite of youre out

Varicose
Near by

Vein
Conceited

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.

Amazingly, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, in a pickle. Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:

99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds.

Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.

On 29th June 1994, the Sheffield Star newspaper (UK) carried a report of a full-scale bomb alert in the city.

A housewife had called the police after a parcel delivered to her home had started to buzz. The army bomb disposal team were called from a nearby base, and an expert, protected by blast-proof clothing, prepared to disarm the device.

When the package was opened, a mail-order vibrator, whose batteries had activated of their own accord, was revealed in all its glory.

According to the Star, the embarrassed woman has not been named by the police