So Gorbachev decided that now that he was on top, it was time
to impress his ancient mother. He sent his private helicopter out to
the small town where she lived to pick her up. He met her with a
fleet of limos in Red Square.

So, mama. Its good to see you here in Moscow! Come, we eat!

She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his
limo. He took her to the best restaurant in town, where they were served
by an army of waiters. The food was superb, the wine the best money
could buy. She said nothing.

You like the dinner? Come. We fly to my Dacha for drinks.

The chopper picked them up and delivered them to the steps of a
magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city. Waiters
in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the
best Cognac and liquor available.

They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.

So, mama. You dont say anything. Arent you proud of your
little Miki? Havent I done well?

She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.

Miki, baby. Is wonderful time I have here. Helicopters are so
grand to fly in. Food is best I have ever tasted. And this, a dacha?
This is more glorious than anything I could imagine.

Yes, Miki. Is wonderful. I am happy for you. But Miki, Baby.
What if the communists return!

-Bil

(Yes, this is NOT my own. I heard it at a party in Sweden, being
told by a low member of the Soviet corps. there.)

And the Lord spoke to Noah: In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked, hopefully.

Wrong! thundered the Lord. But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.

Whats that? asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

Government.

An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the American asked if he could do anything for him.
The Nazi admitted that he did have a favour to ask. The leg they amputated, on your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?

Sure, pal.

It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back to tell him the mission had been carried out.

The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. The other leg got very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland? It would mean a great deal to me.

The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job was done.

Many thanks, whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his head from the pillow. I have just one final request. Last night they had to amputate my right arm…

Now hang on just a darn minute, interrupted the American angrily. Are you trying to escape?

Harveys friends all call him the better-luck-next-time inventor. In case youre wondering why, heres a partial list of his inventions:

Preparation G (a soothing rectal ointment).
The Salvation Navy (charitable organization designed to help the needy).
6-Up (a clear, bubbly, soft-drink).
Wolksvagen (a small car Harvey has dubbed the WV).
Whitejack (card game where you try to reach 22 points before going bust).
The Star Bangled Spanner (a song intended to become our National Anthem).
Nice Krispies (breakfast cereal that goes snip, crickle, pip when milk is added.)
Dogsup (tasty condiment for hamburgers, hot-dogs, etc.)
Five-shooter (a five shot revolver).

Some people have died in strange ways…here are a few.

——————————————————————————–

Attila the Hun:



One of the most notorious villains in history, Attilas army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD–from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire–by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.



How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night



In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

——————————————————————————–



Tycho Brahe:



An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.



How he died: Didnt get to the bathroom in time



In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition — but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11

days.



——————————————————————————–



Horace Wells:



Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s



How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide



While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he

wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that hed gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. Hed anaesthetized himself with chloroform

and slashed open his thigh with a razor.



——————————————————————————–



Francis Bacon:



One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeares plays.



How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken



One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

——————————————————————————–



Jerome Irving Rodale:



Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of Organic Farming and Gardening magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.



How he died: On the Dick Cavett Show, while discussing the benefits of organic foods.



Rodale, who bragged Im going to live to be 100 unless Im run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver, was only 72 when he appeared on the Dick Cavett Show in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.



——————————————————————————–



Aeschylus:



A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.



How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head



According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.



——————————————————————————–



Jim Fixx:



Author of the best selling Complete Book of Running, which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.



How he died: A heart attack….while jogging



Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. Hed only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked….and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.



——————————————————————————–



And finally theres Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.



While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.

A soldier comes back from the Iraq war after two years to find that his wife has just had a baby.Puzzled, he goes to see his doctor.Well, The doctor explains, Its what we call a grudge baby.Whats that? The confused soldier asks.The result of someone having it in for you while you were away.

Valles Marineris (MPI) – A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft.

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, bouncing several times before coming to a stop, deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Forces explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the other-worldly nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmys statements as evidence of an obvious government cover-up, pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
OFFICE IN LONDON–written from Central Spain, August 1812

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by
H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our
headquarters.

We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles,
and all manner of sundry items for which His Majestys
Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on
the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and
every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalions petty cash and there
has been a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of
raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm
in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be
related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with
France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you
gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request
elucidation of my instructions from His Majestys Government so
that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over
these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of
two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for
the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or
perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of
Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington

-Paul S. R. Chisholm

The Russian and the American presidents are walking along the beach. They start
discussing their submarines.

The Russian president says, We recently have made much progress with our
submarines. They can now stay as long under water as yours, for one month.

The American president replies, Do you not think that we also made progress?
Our submarines can now stay under water for two months.

Shortly after this discussion they hear some strange sound coming from the sea.
Suddenly a old fashioned looking submarine appears. A hatch opens and a
uniformed man appears, Heil Hitler, meine Herren. Can you tell me whether the
war is already over?

Theres a Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret sitting around a campfire telling each-other how mean and tough they are.

The Marine says – I can swim 50 miles and bite the head off a live chicken. One Marine is worth 5 other men.

The Airforce Commando says – I can clear runways one-handed and kill a man with my bare hands. One Airforce Commando is worth 10 other men.

The Navy Seal says – Yeah? Well I can dive up to 90 feet without air, and Im an expert in demolitions. One Navy Seal is worth 13 other men.

The Green Beret just sat there all this time saying nothing, stirring the fire with his dick.