Reading jerry298s story about the life-raft in the VW inspired me to write
down an incident that happened to me about 10 years ago. Like Jerry, it
took me about 5 years to see the humor in it.

About 10 years ago, I bought a used van to drive back and forth to my cottage
on weekends. It had previously been owned by a company called Canada Dredge
and Dock. This gave it some notoriety since they were at the time involved
in a big local political scandal involving rigged bidding on dredging
contracts.

One weekend at the cottage I was giving it a good cleaning out
when I discovered a red cylinder labeled Emergency Flare in one of the door
pockets. I thought Well, thats not a bad thing to have in the car. and
left it there. Sure enough, on the way home that weekend, we had a flat tire.
I should say that our cottage is in the middle of a very popular vacation
area north of Toronto, and the weekend in question was the combined Canadian
July 1st and American July 4th holiday weekend. So the entire world was
headed home on the same road.

I got out to change the tire and my
brother-in-law said, Have you got an emergency flare in the van? I told
him about the one I had found and he ran down the road a few hundred feet to
set it up. I was under the van setting up the jack when I heard a loud pop.
I looked out to see Ron running towards me yelling, Its a marine flare.

Thats right, Canada Dredge and Dock, being a largely marine based company, had
left a marine emergency flare in their truck. In case anybody doesnt know,
a marine flare is like a very powerful roman candle, shooting balls of light
hundreds of feet up in the air so that drowning sailors will be seen by passing
ships. They are NOT intended to be set off late at night on a busy highway.

The first ball had missed Rons face by about 2 inches and the force had
tipped the flare over onto the little mound that he had made to hold it in
place. Now, as each ball came shooting out, the force would spin the flare
on the little mound, so that no two went in the same direction. One of them
shot right at us and passed between us as we stood no more than 5 feet apart.
One of them shot back up the road at 3 lanes of oncoming traffic. One of them
shot up into a farmers field and started a small fire. Neither of us was
about to go back and try to pick it up. Finally after about 7 or 8 shots,
it stopped.

Amazingly, the shots that went up the highway came between platoons
of traffic so nobody was hit, nobody even went off the road. Ron went and
put out the fire, I changed the tire, and we drove to the nearest pull-off and
sat there shaking for half an hour.

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and pretty.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.



When leaving the room she said, Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?



He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.



He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?



The secretary who was quite witty said, Why no Mr. Smith.

All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to go to war. On the first day they were lining up for guns. He was toward the end of the line and, when they got to him the supply sergeant said they didnt have any more guns, so they gave him a broom and told him to point it at people and say,“Bangitty bangitty bang!” So he thought, “Oh great, I come out here to fight for my country and they give me a broom.”
Then the next day they were lining up for bayonets and he was at the back of the line again. And when they got to him, again he was told they didnt have any left, so they gave the soldier a carrot and told him to tie it to the end of his broom, stab people with it and say,Stabitty stabitty stab. And he thought, “Yeah great, Im gonna go out there and get killed. Just what I always wanted.”
So when they went out on the battlefield, the soldier walked out there and decided hed at least try it out, rather than just stand there and be killed. So he went up to someone and said, “Bangitty bangitty bang!” and the guy fell over dead. So he thought, “My God! This actually works!
” He went up to another person and said, “Stabitty stabitty stab” and, again, the guy died. So he went around killing people with his broomstick and his carrot, thinking, “Wow! This is so cool!”
Then he sees this guy standing all by himself and the soldier thinks, “Easy target. Im going to go get him.” So he goes over there and says, “Bangitty bangitty bang,” and nothing happens. He goes closer and does it again and still nothing happens. So the soldier thinks, “Oh no! It must be out of bullets! But how do you reload a broom?” So he gets closer and says Stabbety stabbety stab.“Stabitty stabbity stab.” And still nothing happens. But then the guy he was trying to kill ran over him! And, as he was running over the soldier, he said, “Tankitty tankitty tank.”

(A true story from my friend in the Army)

In this particular branch of the Armys officer training school,
the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their
work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the
early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.

Four-seven-seven-zero? he asked.
Here, replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though,
he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.

Seven-zero-seven-five? asked the instructor.
Here, repeated the student, gearing for trouble.

I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier, spoke the teacher.
Thats right, sir, answered our hero. I have a nick-number.

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump.
Before the jump the instructor recalls, You leave the air plane, count till three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull the emergency cord. Then the emergency parachute will open. On the ground there is a lorry waiting. We will meet on the lorry again. Good luck!

The first recruit jumps, counts till three and pulls the cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing happens. The recruit is not surprised and says, As far as I know the army, I bet the lorry will not be there, either.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin Elvis alive on Pluto

anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess yall red bout in skool.

antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.

bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?

bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.

catscan……(v) lukin fer hookers (don yall do this)

cauterize….(v) makin eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)

d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.

emema……..(n) sumone who aint never no frend no how

fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)

genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee

heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1

hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter

mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female

papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy

recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur

rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk

seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome.

series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

testicles….(n) books of the Bible

tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call

urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

I heard this from a Welsh friend of mine,
Peter Gardiner, who lives in London.

It is the wedding day of Prince Charles and
Lady Di. Charles had been up late the night
before boozing with his old Navy buddies,
woke up late, threw on his clothes and rushed
to the Royal Coach and set off. In the coach,
he noticed that he had forgotten his shoes, so
he borrowed the ones his valet was wearing,
but they were 2 sizes too small.

Charles made it through the ceremony, then
through the reception with his feet in agony the
whole time, and finally with great
relief, went upstairs with his new bride.

Their departure was noticed by the Queen and
Queen Mother who followed them up and
listened at the the door. First they heard,
Ohhh, ohhh, that feels so goood, it was sooo
tight.

I told you she was, said the Queen to the
Queen Mother.

Then they heard,
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ahhhh, that feels even better,
and it was a lot tighter.

Tsk tsk tsk, said the Queen Mother,
Once a sailor, always a sailor.

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.



One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.



He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?



The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army, the general said. Nothing to it-youll catch on again fast.



Next morning promptly at eight oclock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-generals bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employers wife on her bottom and said, OK, sweetheart, its back to the village for you.

(I heard this from my stepson, who says that it was running rampant
in the barracks while he was in the Army…)

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed
the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and
finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The
next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

So, did you jump? the father asked.

Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the
plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for
volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!

Is that when you jumped? asked the father.

Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other
men one at a time and throw them out the door.

Did you jump then? asked the father.

Im getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was
the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I
was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or
hed kick my butt.

So, did you jump?

Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed
onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over
the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about
six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Boy, are you
gonna jump or not? I said, No, sir. Im too scared. So
the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.
I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a
baseball bat! He said, Boy, either you jump out that door, or
Im sticking this little baby up your ass.

So, did you jump? asked the father.

Well, a little, at first.