The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now Im here.

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now Im here.

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…

Let me guess, the General interrupted, it broke down.

No, said the G.I., there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.

Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, I hear that if you dont have any teeth they wont take you. They decide its worth a try, so they stop at a Dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big ol farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the 2nd toothless guy lines up behind him.

The first toothless guy steps up and the doc asks, Anything wrong with you?

The Guy says, Well, no, except I dont have any teeth.

The Doc says, Open up and let me have a look. The Guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, Sure enough, you stand over there. The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The Farm boy steps up and the doc asks, Anything wrong with you?

The Farm Boy says, No doc, ceptin I have a little case of the piles.

The doctor says, Bend over, spread em and let me see.

The Boy does so.

The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, Sure enough. Youve got em, stand over there.

The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, Anything wrong with you?

He bellows, NOT GODDAMN THING, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN!!!

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been unfaithful with two guys while he had been gone. She wanted to break up and she wanted any pictures of herself that he had back.So the Ranger did what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: Im sorry I cant remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew. Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!

Over the years, some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say (like pleasant mother, pheasant plucker, which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as giving the bird.

While practicing auto-rotations during a military
night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up
the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The
landing was so hard that it broke off the tail
boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained
upright on its skids, sliding down the runway
doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a
brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio
exchange that took place…

Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?

Cobra: I dont know, tower, we aint done
crashin yet.

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that
he was going to be stationed a long way from home
on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few
weeks after he got there he began to miss his new
wife, so he wrote her a letter.

My love, he wrote we are going to be apart for a
very long time. Already Im starting to miss you and
theres really not much to do here in the evenings.
Besides that were constantly surrounded by young
attractive native girls. Do you think if I had
a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, why
dont you learn to play this?

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he
rushed back to his wife. Darling he said, I
cant wait to make passionate love with you!

She kissed him and said, First lets see you
play that harmonica.

* If the enemy is in range, so are you

Incoming fire has the right of way

Dont look conspicuous; it draws fire

There is always a way

That way is always mined

Try to look uminportant; they might be low on ammo

What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank

Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at

If orders can be misunderstood they will be

The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire

Odd objects attract fire. You are odd

Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud

Mine fields are not neutral

If theyre shooting at you, its a high intensity conflict

The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack

If your attack is going well, its an ambush

Never draw fire, it irritates those around you

When you have secured an area, dont forget to tell the enemy

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder

Friendly fire isnt

Never stand when you can sit

Never sit when you can lie down

Never stay awake when you can sleep

A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake

Whenever you are low on ammo, you can never hit anything

The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be repaired

Interchangeable parts are not

The item you need is always in short supply

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of its operator

No combat ready group ever passes inspection

No inspection ready group ever survives combat

Peace is our profession, mass murder is just a hobby

All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps

Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together

If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both

Tracers work both ways

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire

The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it

Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms

Their army!

Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels
and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they
got into an argument about what they were burying.

This heres a big mule! This aint no mule, this heres
a donkey.
Mule!
Donkey!

Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by.
What are you boys doing?
Were diggin a grave for this mule.
Donkey, dammit!

The chaplain cut in, Boys, this isnt either one, its an ass!

An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, What are
you men doing, digging a foxhole?
No sir, were diggin an asshole.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macys, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. Id like to buy a bra for my wife



What type of bra? asked the clerk.



Type? inquires the man There is more than one type?



Look Around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.



Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras, replied the salesclerk.



Confused, the man asked what were the types.



The saleslady replied The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?



Still confused the man asked What is the difference between them?



The lady responded It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.