This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Well, snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, youll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave.

Not me, Sarge! the private replied. Once I get out of the Army, I aint
never going to stand in line again!

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.



He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.





Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?





The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

War was on and the captain was attempting to rally the
GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

Out there, said the captain, is your enemy. The man
who has made your life miserable, who is working to
destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day
after day throughout this war.

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. My God; the cooks
working for the other side!

The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the generals body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received.

The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that hed better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the generals penis and began to work back.

My God! he said. Where are your testicles?

The general smiled and replied, In Vietnam.

A general and a young sergeant boarded a train in Germany during the occupation after the war. They occupied a compartment with a grandmother and her 16 year old granddaughter. All sat in complete silence for a great while.

The train went through a long, dark tunnel; there was the sound of a resounding kiss, then the sound of a resounding smack followed by complete silence, and then the train emerged from the tunnel and all sat in complete silence as before.

The grandmother thought, That young soldier tried to kiss my granddaughter and she slapped him. Good for her!

The granddaughter thought, That soldier tried to kiss me, missed and kissed my grandmother and she slapped him. Good for her!

The general thought, That sergeant tried to kiss that young girl. She tried to slap him, but she missed and slapped me!

The sergeant thought, Such a day is never to be expected! Kiss the back of your hand, slap hell out of a general, and get away with it!

The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the generals body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received.

The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that hed better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the generals penis and began to work back.

My God! he said. Where are your testicles?

The general smiled and replied, In Vietnam.

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic 5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)8. What are people in Americas far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS 9. Spell — CAT, DOG, PIG 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?

A: A flat major.

Q: What do you say to an army officer as youre about to run him (or her) over with a steam roller?

A: B flat, major.

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?

A: C flat major.

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?

A: A sharp major.