Marine Corps Sniper. You can run but youll just die tired.

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
This is a magic broom — point it at anybody, say Bangity bangity bang, and they will die. Bob was really worried because he didnt think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bobs turn came and they had ran out.
Dont worry. said the man issuing them out. I will give you this magic carrot — point it at somebody, say Stabbity stabbity stab, and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didnt have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said Bangity bangity bang! and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldnt die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were Tankity tankity tank.

Two old Italian men, Carlo and Giovanni, were sitting on a porch reminiscing about World War II.

It was a real struggle, said Carlo

I know what you mean, replied Giovanni.

I remember I was struggling all the way. I fought and I fought, and I fought, and when I thought I was tired out, I found the strength to carry on fighting another day, Carlo reminisced.

Yup, Giovanni concurred.

But it didnt work, because in the end they made me join the Army anyway, concluded Carlo.

This is an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.



Canadians:

Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.



Americans:

This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.



Canadians:

No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.



Americans:

THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.



Canadians:

This is a lighthouse. Your call.

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, maybe Ill just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!

The vendor said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about. Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, Damn, this one doesnt have any shoes either!

An Army guy and a Navy guy found themselves in a public restroom.
As the Army guy was walking out, the Navy guy said, while
washing his hands,

In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands before leaving the
restroom. Then the Army guy replied,

Well, in the Army, they teach us not to pee on our hands!

There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and waited but
nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but nobody turned up.

WHY ? -Bcoz there was a sign at the entrance Visitors not allowed

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive butno car entered their garage.

WHY ? Bcoz their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Church Gate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.

WHY ? Bcoz all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.

All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb an decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.

WHY ? Bcos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

An American paratrooper jumped out of a plain. But his parachute did not open. Falling to the ground he saw a black dot moving towards him. He didnt know what it was, until he recognized a man.

Hello he shouted Im Jim, US Army. Do you know anything about parachutes ?

Nice to meet you the man replied Im Sjefke (Belgian). But sorry, I dont know anything about parachutes. Do you know anything about gas ovens?

(Well, since there seems to be a plethora of Soviet jokes anyway…
This one was told to me by a Russian.)

It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine
whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the
designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each
was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed.
The leaders shook hands.

Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:

Private Jones! Front and center.

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks,
facing his commander.

Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff.

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

Private Jones! Jump!

Jones just stood there, unmoving.

Private Jones! I said jump!

The mans knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!
Private Jones wailed out: I cant! I have a wife–and a family!

The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan
backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachevs turn.

Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center.

Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the
ranks, facing his commander.

Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff.

Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!

Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag
some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured,
but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist
asking him:

Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?

Dmitrivich answered: I had to! I have a wife–and a family!

Kyle S. Adler
BBN Communications Corporation, Cambridge MA