If God wanted Noah to build an ark in America today, it might go something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. OK, said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah, shouted the Lord, where is my Ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now Im still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians Im supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. You mean youre not going to destroy the
earth? Noah asked, hopefully.

No, said the Lord sadly, Government already has.

(Article from Edinburgh Universitys MIDWEEK Student Magazine,
by Graeme MacDonald.)

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny
hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for
which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
sick-bay.

6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprises computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called Paradise where
everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyones satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isnt tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.

17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.

18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.

19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.

20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

But we still love it, right kids?

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “Thats not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “Thats it.”

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy mans truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Lets put this rivalry behind us." The army man agreed this was a good idea. So the navy man offered, "Why dont we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck." The army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the navy man, being a gentleman, offered the army man the first drink, and told the army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the navy man who said, "Thanks, but Ill wait till after the cops get here!"

Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty,
the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden,
the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.

The husband says, Oh no! That must be your husband coming home.

And the wife replies, No. Hes off in the Navy for six months.

An officer reads lectures to a group of soldiers.

When he says: Water boils at 90 degrees one of the soldiers dares to oppose: Sir, water boils at 100 degrees centigrade.

Are you sure?

I am sure, lieutenant.

Ill check it until the next lesson.

The next lesson the officer says: Soldiers, make a correction in your notes from the previous lesson: Water boils at 100 degrees. 90 degrees is right angle.

10. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9. You pull the legs off your hamster so youll have a tribble.
8. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6. You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5. Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4. You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say Star Trek? Isnt that the one with Luke Skywalker?
3. You have no life.
2. You recognize more than 4 references on this list.

   and number one sign youve watched too much Star Trek

1. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, theyre out for a walk and Leroy says, Hey Jasper, theres the NCO Club. Lets you and me stop in.

But wes privates, protests Jasper.

Wes sergeants now, says Leroy, pulling him inside.

Now, Jasper, Im a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.

But wes privates, says Jasper. Are you blind, boy? asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. Wes sergeants now.

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. Youre cute, she says, and Id like to date you, but Ive got a bad case of gonorrhea.

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If its okay, give me the okay sign. So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. Jasper, he says, why did you give me the okay sign?

Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates. He points to his stripes. But wes sergeants now!

Q: Did you hear about the girl who wanted to join the Army?

A: She jumped over a campfire and got Deferred.

The following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling) to school offices:

*My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Anne for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear school: Please ekscuse Joe being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 39, 31, 32, and 33.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Sally wint be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

*Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.