Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes.

Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and dont play.

Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.

Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that cant march.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write pp, espressivo.

Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one – but the guitarist has to show him first.