You know youre out of college when…You dont know what time Taco Bell closesanymore.Your potted plants stay alive.Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.You keep more food than beer in the fridge.You have to pay your own credit card bill.You havent seen a soap opera in over ayear.8:00 a.m. is not early.You have to file your own taxes.You hear your favorite song on the elevatorat work.Youre not carded anymore.You carry an umbrella.Your friends marry and divorce instead ofhook-up and break-up.You start watching the Weather Channel.Jeans and baseball caps arent staples inyour wardrobe.You can no longer take shots, and smokinggives you a sinus attack.You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.You go to parties that the police dontraid.Adults feel comfortable telling jokes aboutsex in front of you.Your car insurance goes down, except whenyou move to Jersey.You refer to college students as kids.You drink wine, scotch and martinis insteadof beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.You feed your dog Science Diet instead ofTaco Bell.Youre waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going tobed.College sweatshirts are casual instead ofdress up.Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.Naps are no longer available between noonand 6 p.m.Dinner and a movie — the whole date insteadof the beginning of one.You get your news from sources other thanUSA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.METABOLISM SLOWDOWNWine appreciation expands beyond Boones andMad Dog.You actually eat breakfast foods atbreakfast time.Grocery lists actually contain relativelyhealthy food.When drinking, you say at least once pernight I just cant put it down like I used to.Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.You decide your parents werent as dumb asyou thought!

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.



The American said to him Oh is your girl named Wendy too?



The Jamaican replied, No, Mon that says, Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day.

A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isnt quite ready for nite-nite yet.
The wife takes the hint and says OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned. Oh my little hunny bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right? No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.Her husband looks over and grunts, clumsy bitch.

Why dont Baptists ever have sex standing up?Someone might think theyre dancing.

*You havent asked yet.
*I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
*What? And spoil my great sex life?
*Nobody would believe me in white.
*Because I just love hearing this question.
*Just lucky, I guess.
*It gives my mother something to live for.
*My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
*Im still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
*Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
*Im waiting until I get to be your age.
*It didnt seem worth a blood test.
*I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
*Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
*My co-op board doesnt allow spouses.
*Id have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
*They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
*I wouldnt want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
*I guess it just goes to prove that you cant trust those voodoo doll rituals.
*What? And lose all the money Ive invested in running personal ads?
*We really want to, but my lovers spouse just wont go for it.
*I dont want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
*Why arent you thin?
*Im married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

And, if all else fails: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, Youre next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Note: this is in response to looking for a wife that you posted
about a month ago]

Looking for a Husband

Hardware Requirements:

Pleasant screen and durable chassis.
Hard drive – no floppies!
User definable sex drive.
Must come certified bug free.
Top-of-the-line joystick.

Software Requirements:

Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Husband
Language) basic command subset (e.g. of_course_dear,
yes_I_will_watch_the_kids, just_use_the_credit_card).
Must be easily programmable.
Single-user mode ONLY.
Very-user-friendly interface.

1. Dont call, ever.

2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like Spike.

3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isnt your fault.

5. Lie.

6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, dont ask. People will think you have no penis.

7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

9. Lie.

10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

11. Say things like Wha. . . ?

12. Deny everything. Everything.

13. Dont have a clue.

14. If you dont get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

15. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, Dont worry. If you dont have an orgasm, you wont get pregnant.

16. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend its not true or kick some ass.

17. Lie.

18. Do NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. For example: Question: Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?

Answer: Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce daily.

19. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like genitalia.

20. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you dont know.

21. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you dont know.

22. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

23. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

24. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

25. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

26. Lie.

27. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

28. Women are your napkins. Use them and then throw them away.

29. Remember, every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

30. If your women makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted Door Spot and other will worship you.

31. If youre on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many dorms you have been laid in.

32. When you tell a girl about your past, its good to say, God, I was such a pimp back then.

33. Heres a good trick. Tell a girl that youre going to leave and when you come back you want her naked and sprawled out on the bed. Leave and go into her dads room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.

34. The best sex position is you, lying face up. . . and twenty girls on top.

35. Practice your blank stare.

36. If youre ever forced to show emotion, just pick a random emotion, like rage, lust and insanity, and display them at random, inconvenient times. You wont be asked to do it again.

37. If you are asked to do something you REALLY dont want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesnt work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you dont know howto do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you yet, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say See???? I told you I couldnt do it. Eventually people will stop asking you to do things.

38. Do not listen to pussy music like Color Me Badd or the oldies.

39. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

40. Lie.

He calls a phone sex line and the girl says, not tonight, I have got an earache.

Q: Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
A: He was looking for loopholes! Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick. Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1 in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients

A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army.

His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis…He agrees, and does so.

When his penis isnt erect you can see the letters W and Y.

The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her mans penis says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica.

One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him… The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, Wow, thats really interesting, I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?

And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says…

Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!