… marches straight up to the counter and says, Hi… You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. Id really rather have a job.The social worker behind the counter says, Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. Youll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but hell supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. Youll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. Youll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.The guy, wide-eyed, says, Youre bullsh***n me!The social worker says, Yeah, well… you started it.

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He cant help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.

He says to the short man, Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice what a large penis you have. The short man replies, I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. OK, He says, I want to live in a mansion. The short man replies, Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.

The man says, Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend. OK, the short man replies, Tomorrow you will wake up next to her. The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.

I want a penis as large as yours. Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. Whats that, the man asks? I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.

The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. OK, go right ahead. The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, I cant believe Im gonna have a penis as big as yours.

The short man replies, I cant believe you thought I was a leprechaun!

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the brides toast and coffee, she said, Honey, I dont understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like youve encountered a buzz saw.
That guy, said the bride, double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist.

So, she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all your crose. So she did. Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room.

So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, OK now crawl reery fass toward me, so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said Your probrem vewy bad,y ou haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.

Confused, the woman asked, What is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Chang replied, It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.

This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The
reason: scientists have discovered beer in space.

Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol,
to be precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks
(antifreeze Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this
category). Three British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey
MacDonald and Rolf Habing, discovered this interstellar Everclear
floating in a gas cloud in the contellation of Aquila (sign of the
Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch! Hmmmmm).

Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas
cloud at approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar
system; theres enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400
trillion trillion pints of beer. These guys are British, mind you; if
you were to translate this in terms of American beer (which the
British, with some justification, regard as fermented club soda), the
amount of potential brewski just about doubles.

In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the
end of your Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine
throwing that same party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion
years. Youd STILL have beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom
be a mess! Simply put, no one could ever drink 400 trillion trillion
pints of beer, except maybe Buffalo Bills fans.

The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it
managed to get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying
effect it has on the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably
complex
molecule: two carbon atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl
radical, all cavorting together in beery camaraderie. Its not a
compund that is
going to spontaneously arise out of the cold depths of space. It can
lead to speculation: What is this cloud?

1. Its Gods beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the
universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after youve had a
hard week at the office, dont YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in
Gods image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of
the first, and best, Miller Time.

2. Its Purgatory (400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the
wall, 400 trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it
around, three hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine
sextillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred
ninety-nine quadrillion, nine hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine
hundred ninety-nine billion, nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine
hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, bottles of
beer on the wall!)

3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically
dipsomaniac alien society. This particular theory is shaky, however:
its reasonable to assume that if the aliens were going to construct a
nebula of alcohol, theyd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and
pretzels nearby for snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to
locate them.

The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle
of this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As
the star heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud
into a smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater
interaction between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes
of dust in the cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards
the star and heat up, the alcohol is released from the motes in
gaseous form. And there you have it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave
Bowman might say, My God! Its full of booze!

Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET
there! Sorry, Chuckles. You cant get there from here. The gas cloud
(which, by the way, has the utterly romantic name of G34.3) is
10,000 light years away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked
the shuttle and headed out with thrusters on full, by the time you got
there, the guy in Purgatory would be done with his tune. Youd have
had time to work up a powerful thirst, but youd also be, in a word,
dead.

No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when
men can leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine
what they will do when they get there:

Captain Kirk: My….GOD! Sulu! What….is….THAT?

Sulu: Its a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.

Kirk: And weve just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap,
Bones?

Bones: Damn it, Jim! Im a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits!

Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, well be
too drunk to drive!

Spock: May I remind you, Captain, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race
of designated drivers.

Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I
will be out on the hull. With our mouths… open!

To boldly drink what no man has drunk before.

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men,

have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men

with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat

heterosexual, dont think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are

heterosexual, somewhat nice

and have money, are pigs.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and

have some money and

thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE

THE

FIRST MOVE!

The men who never make the first move, automatically

lose interest in us

when we take the initiative.

NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like

grapes, and its our job

to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until

they

mature into something youd like to have dinner

with.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE

GUYS YOU THINK CAN

HANDLE IT!!

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls
a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer
doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The
vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down
and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he
loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them
all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still
standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in
the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice
for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more
try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the
woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly
into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of thems honking the horn.

A woman wanted to suprise her husband so she bought a pair of
crotchless panties. When her husband got home from work, he found his
wife spread eagle on the floor with the panties on. You want some of
this? she asked. The husband replied Hell no! Look what it did to
your underwear!

IM GLAD IM A WOMAN

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am.

I dont live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections.

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I dont get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.

And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt.

My belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I dont go around re-adjusting my crotch,

or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind.

Im a woman you see-Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing.

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back.

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack.

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb.

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.

Im a woman, you know-Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball.

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand,

Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,

Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im so very glad Im a woman, you see.

Forget all about that old penis envy.

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for a chick.

Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful, its true.

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!