Two men were talking.
So, hows your sex life?
Oh, nothing special. Im having Social Security sex.
Social Security sex?
Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother, How old are you?

Mommy says Honey, women dont talk about their age, youll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks, Mommy. How much do you weigh?

Mommy says, Thats another thing women dont talk about, youll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?

Mommy says, Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I dont want to talk about it now.

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mothers conversation.

The girlfriend says, All you have to do is sneak a look at your mothers drivers license. Its just like a report card, it tells you everything.

The little girl and her mother are shopping again.

The girl says, Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.

Mommy is very shocked! She asks Sweetheart how did you do that?

The girl shrugs and says, I just know, and I know how much you weigh too. You weigh 120 pounds.

The mother is flabbergasted.

She asks, Where did you learn that?

The little girl says, I just know, thats all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an F in sex!

The following extracts come in response to an advert in a South African womens
magazine called Femina. Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement
for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as
vaginitis. The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most
of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with
them. The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising agency
that created the Femina article and who swears that every single one of them is
genuine.

My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of
your vaginitis.
Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge, unpleasant smell.
I am one of those with a virginal problem.
I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable.
Dear Sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time to
express my sickness over this paper.
I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this
Nelex.
The trouble is my vaginitis and that Im so ugly.
How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help.
Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex.
My husband is not happy with the behavior of my vagina at bed time.
Please send me more information about these vaginal erections.
My symptoms are some of the ones you didnt mention, so please send me
another medicine.
Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can
help me.
With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection
very handy and unavoidable.
I tried Dettol, Omo and also pure brandy. All in vain.
My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is
cold or foggy.
I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my
virginia pains during intercourse, even when Im not having intercourse at all.
I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the
hospital and thay told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for
the humidity.
I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with virginial infractions.
Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want
me to do.
Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it.
My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he
says I am a bitch I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me.
I really want a baby, but I dont want to be pregnant.
The first time I noticed vaginal infection was in your advert.
My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it
doesnt help.
Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell.
Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written.
Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection.
I stopped to have sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasnt stopped
with me.
My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his
erection.
I never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.
I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older.
…and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me.
I have pain during sex, and also during intercourse.
My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork.
When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room-freshener. Now I am 18 and
I need your help.
Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina.
According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my
Promised One. She urges me so help me to help her.
My new address is (address supplied) …but please send your reply to my old
address.
Can I get vaginal infection without prescription.
Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe.
My husband does not know where I live A AC so we never have sex.
I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem.
The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after
me in the same water.
I have reorganised my virginia recently.
It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not
have vaginitis.
How are you at that side of Randburg? I hail to you with my wifes vaginal
infection from Zimbabwe.
…but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of
seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.
I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected.
I cannot tell my mother about it; she has no vagina.
The last time I looked for my vaginitis, I could not find it anywhere.
My vagina was discharged recently.
My vagina is deceased.
I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you.
I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis.
I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you
can study it better.
I dont know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach
it properly.
…but I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.
How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl.
Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins.
I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach you.
I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure.
Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, Sir, and send me this infection
quickly.
This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex.
Also my eyes and kids are very itchy. I better stop looking at them.
I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husbands regret.
At todays price of water, Id rather use Nelex.
I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned.
You will find the vaginal infections at the above address.
Please send me everything. The Nelex, the vaginal infections, the vaginitis,
the reliable relief from symptoms.

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, Whats wrong with you?

The small guy says, Excuse me, but what did you say?

The big dude looks down and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy says, Thank God! I thought you said Turn around.

The Top 15 Ways Your Life Would Change if Your Tongue Were 2 Feet Long

15. Wet willies from two tables away!

14. Almost guaranteed to be Madonnas sole boyfriend for at least a week or two.

13. Now can carry *two* dozen donuts while juggling.

12. Much easier to clean behind the refrigerator.

11. You can finally do that 3-puppet show without getting arrested.

10. Two-handed typing during cybersex!

9. Interested in Anna Nicole Smith but youre 18, healthy and poor? Not a problem anymore!

8. Youd be a shoe-in for Hollywood Lizard Boy roles.

7. For once, itll be the dogs turn to look at you with envy.

6. Youd need Mick Jaggers lips & John Elways teeth to stay in proportion.

5. When picking nose, can cut out the middle man.

4. Tie a cherry stem with your tongue? Hell, gobble a handful and weave a friggin picnic basket!

3. Increased number of taste buds finally allows one to discern between Kool-Aid flavors.

2. Your previously-neglected navel would suddenly be your second cleanest body part.

and the Number 1 Way Your Life Would Change if Your Tongue Were 2 Feet Long…

1. The counselor at Oversized Features Anonymous shows interest in you, but you cant help but question her motives.

A man was walking on the beach and he found a lamp. A genie came out and the guy said, So do I get 3 wishes?

The genie said, No. Im in a bad mood, so you only get two.

The guy, who had fairly dark skin, wished to be white and surounded by pussy, so the genie turned him into a tampon.

The moral of the story is that you dont get anything without strings attached.

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money…Man was all screwed up after that.

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDAs suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.

WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have
Mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible or bulletproof.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.

What is the fastest speed of sex?

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, Thats no problem. How many do you want?
The man answered, Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.

The doctor said, That wont do you any good.

The elderly gentleman said, Thats allright. I dont need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I dont pee on my shoes.