1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, Im on fire! Roll around vigorously.
2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
4) Talk in a strong English accent.
5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, Arent you glad I decided to come today?
6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and scream, I win!
7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, Mmm, never seen that shape before.
8) But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!
9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along.
10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (Sheesh, so America won the Revolutionary War?).
11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
13) I was never told there was going to be a test.
14) Bring your pet goldfish.
15) Throw chalk at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it breaks into.
16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your hands behind your head.
18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, No I will not have sex with you!
19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90s

OLD—————NEW

conservative–reactionary

the establishment–white power elite

hearing person–temporarily aurally abled

sighted person–temporarily visually abled

blind–visually challenged

mute–vocally challenged

deaf–aurally challenged

dead–metabolically different

alive–temporarily metabolically abled

ugly–aesthetically challenged

fat–gravitationally challenged

heavy-set–people of mass

rude–politically correct

psychopath–socially misaligned

crooked–ethically challenged

klutzy–kinesthetically challenged

bald–follicularly challenged

short–differently statured

non-white, non-male oppressed–white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive

white male–oppressor

black–african-american

asian–asian-american

afro-american–african-american

minority group–numerically challenged group; under-represented population

black–person of color

Chicano–person of color

weird green freak–person of color

female–person of gender

drooling drunk idiot–person on floor

group of blacks–Under-Represented population of persons of color

Group of Whites–L.A.P.D.

woman–womyn

women–wymin

girl–pre-womyn

man–oppressor

boy–oppressor-to-be

pregnancy–parasitic oppression

janitor–sanitation engineer

disabled car-mechanically challenged car

dish washer–utensil sanitizer

dairy–where cows are raped

ranch–where cattle are murdered

egg ranch–where hens are raped

biology department–where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of theimperialist drug companies

fishing–raping the oceans

farming– exploiting mother earth

nhl hockey–uniformed fascists vying for superiority

paper bag– processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80s are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80s/90s

deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged

blind /sight impaired/visually challenged

retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged

queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)

fat/big boned/alternative body image

Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So oxygen can get to their brains.

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job

–George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

This is a great day for France!

–Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulles funeral

Now, like, Im President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, Hey, get lost. We dont want any of that.

–George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

For seven and a half years Ive worked alongside President Reagan.

Weve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. Weve had some sex … uh… setbacks.

–George Bush

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.

–Dan Quayle

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in

the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.

–Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

What a waste it is to lose ones mind–or not to have a mind. How true that is.

–Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.–William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.

–George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.

–George Bush

If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that were in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that weve got to do something about the unemployed.

–Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, Ive signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

–Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

–Dan Quayle

Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think were going to succeed.

–Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesnt have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, Ill put mine up against his any time.

FOREIGN GOOFS

Bite the wax tadpole.

— Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.

— ad slogan Pepsi Comes Alive as originally translated into Chinese

I am a jelly doughnut

–English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

We pray for MacArthurs erection.

–sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

–from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.

–Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

Im not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.–Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.–Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

Retraction: The Greek Special is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Fridays ad may have caused.

–correction printed in The Daily Californian

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! Its rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!

–Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?

–announcer of childrens radio show Life With Mother to her audience

A man called into a local radio station (93.3 KDKB) and told the
morning guys that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he
quit smoking, he wasnt going to get any sex.

They asked him, How long do you think youll be able to hold out?

Reply: Until my girlfriend dies.

Two old acquaintances from WWI bump into each other one day and head for bar to catch up on old times. The conversation moves from family to retirement to golf, and settles on sex. So, hows your sex life been, Roy? asks Tom. Roy replies, OK, I guess, though I havent gotten any since 1955. Man! Thats a long time! How can you stand that? Oh, its not that bad. Roy looks at his watch. Its only 20:30 now.

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You dont have to compliment the person who gave you some…
6. Person giving you some, doesnt fantasize youre someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it wont last for nine months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one will think youre weird.
3. Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. No guilt the next morning.
And, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex….
1. If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when youre up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attackers father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam. (Ask Mr. Hurst about a similar experience!)

In an otherwise vacant locker toom, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when its your turn.

You Know Youre from Missouri If:

1. Youve never met any celebrities.

2. Everyone you know has been on a Float trip

3. Vacation means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun or Six
Flags.

4. Youve seen all the biggest bands ten years AFTER they were popular.

5. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles.

6. Down south to you means Arkansas.

7. The phrase Im going to the Lake this weekend only means one thing.

8. You know several people who have hit a deer.

9. You think Missouri is spelled with an ah not an i at the end.

10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

11. You know what party cove is.

12. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

13. You instinctively ask someone youve just met, What High School did
you go to?

14. Youve ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

15. You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better.

16. You know whats knee-high by the Fourth of July.

17. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

18. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.

19. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.

20. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
Wheres my coat at?

21. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
or grain.

22. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

23. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and
jell-o salad with marshmallows.

24. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should.

25. You went to skating parties as a kid.

26. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

27. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

28. You think sexy lingerie is tube s

Dont worry. Ive had a vasectomy/hysterectomy. I wont come in your mouth, I promise. Im not really married. Its only a cold sore. Looks arent important to me. I like you for your personality. Size isnt important. This wont hurt, I promise. We dont have to go all the way, well just lie here and hold each other. Well always be together. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Dont do it if you cant keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who dont have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isnt taken, theres a reason (corollary to the above ) If you cant stand his mother and he cant stand yours, then youre bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, dont trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but dont get caught. Money cant buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when shes tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if its done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa… When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.