Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.My son, said one proudly, has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line his son is in. To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual.As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, but, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big portfolio of stock certificates.

Because Im a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, Ill miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because Im a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road-service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isnt running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what Imlooking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldnt know where to start. We will then drink beer.

Because Im a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isnt an issue.

Because Im a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like Cumin or Tofu. For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which feminine hygiene product is a euphemism.

Because Im a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because Im a guy, I dont think were all that lost, and no, I dont think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger – how the heck could HE know where were going?

Because Im a guy, there is no need to ask me what Im
thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so dont.

Because Im a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when sh

Once there were three teenager boys sitting on the lawn in front of the sanctuary after a sunday church service. The pastor noticed them and said,Well, hello boys. What are you up to?

They replied, Nothing much. Were just trying to figure out whos told the biggest lie about thir sex life.

The pastor said,Im shocked! When I was your age, I never even thought about kissing girls!

They all replied in unison,You win, Pastor!

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.

MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.

The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victorias Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!

Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman its over is to look her straight in the eye and say, Ill call you next week. But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. Its safe, its affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. Its at your fingertips right now: E-mail.

Thats how all the happening, 90s kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. Youll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter:



Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:



Dear (her name),



I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.



So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (Men will check those that apply)



_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.



_____ Your inadvertent admission that you buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.



_____ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.



_____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.



_____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.



_____ My breasts are bigger than yours.



_____ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.



_____ Your repeated comments such as, Is it still called a penis when its this small? were both uncalled for and thoughtless.



_____ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.



_____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he beats that domestic abuse rap shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.



_____ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team



into the bedroom so it would be just like college seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.



_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.



Sincerely,



(Your name)

They say that men only think about sex. Thats not exactly true.

They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.

These are all true Groucho Marx anecdotes garnered from The Portable
Curmudgeon compiled by Jon Winokur.

Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation).
Someone recommended a topical cream guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked
later whether it worked, Groucho replied, I came rubbing the stuff on.

A guest on Groucho Marxs You Bet Your Life television show was a
woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. I love my husband, the
woman explained sheepishly.

I love my cigar too, Groucho said, but I take it out once in a
while.

[Ed: Reportedly Apocryphal]

Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution Impossible Words To Say When You Are Drunk: Thanks, but I dont want sex.
No, I dont want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but youre not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer
Im not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.

Several first grade boys overheard some junior high boys talking about a penis.
The first graders asked each other, Whats a penis? None of them knew.

Finally one boy said, Ill ask my Dad, he knows everything.

That evening the boy asked his Dad, Whats a penis?

The father replied, Well, if youre old enough to ask I guess youre old enough
to know. Dad dropped his pants and said, Thats a penis! As a matter of fact,
thats a perfect penis!

The next day the boy told his friends, I found out what a penis is, come on,
Ill show you.

The others followed him to the bathroom and watched him drop his pants. The boy,
exposing himself to his friends, said, Thats a penis! As a matter of fact, if
it was two inches shorter, itd be a perfect penis!

A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he
laid down the rules, Now heres the way its gonna be: Ill go
hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime
I want to, with no hassle from you. And Ill come home anytime I want
to, with no hassle from you. And Ill expect dinner to be on the table
whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are my rules. Do
you understand?

His new bride smiled sweetly and replied, Of course, dear. Thats
fine. But I have one little rule of my own: Im gonna have sex every
night at seven oclock – whether youre home or not!