Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says Earthling take me to your leader!

He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!

Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says, If this Earthling doesnt show me some respect Im going to blast him!

The second Alien replies O.K. but, Im just going to stand down on the next block.

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time.

Earthling take me to your leader!

No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.

He then says to the second Alien If you knew that was going to happen why didnt you warn me?

The second replies I didnt know what was going to happen, but Im not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!

From a class on human sexuality at Cornell:

A middle-aged couple are discussing their plans. When Im eighty,
the man says to his wife, I plan on finding myself a pretty twenty-year-old,
and Ill have myself a real good time.

The wife is a bit fazed, but thinks up a reply. When Im eighty,
I plan on finding myself a handsome twenty-year-old, and twenty goes into
eighty a lot easier than eighty goes into twenty!

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin.

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. I once touched a mans penis with this finger. St. Peter thought for a while and said. Im sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around. She did as she was instructed and PING she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said, I once touched a mans genitals with my entire right hand. Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, Im sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in. The second nun did as she was instructed and ping she was in.

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this. How come you cut in front of Sister?

The 4th nun replied, I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her ass in it!

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man
returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.

So did you follow him?

I did.

And…where did he go?

Over to your house…

A
Minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to
his
Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate
jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean
soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following

results: The first worm in alcohol — dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke — dead.

Third worm in sperm — dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation — "What
can you learn from
this
demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her
hand and said; "As
long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you wont
have worms."

I guy is in a mens room and another comes in and takes the urinal next to him. The first guy happens to glance over and sees that the other fellows penis is about ten inches long but as round as a pencil in diameter.

He says to the guy, Listen pal, its not my habit to look at other guys penis but I couldnt help but notice how odd yours looks. What is your story?

The other man answers, Oh, its a rather simple. I came from a rather large family of ten siblings. We were rather poor so we all had to sleep in the same bed side-by-side. However, when we started reaching puberty there wasnt enough room in the bed to masturbate like this (motioning in the standard masturbation hand jesture). Instead we had to masturbate like this (motioning as if rubbing a pencil between his hands)!

(From a friend of mine who heard it at work:)

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would
come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some
more–would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take
care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly,
Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?

Her husband snarled, What do I look like? The Ty-D-Bol&reg man? and sat down
on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldnt work. When her husband got home,
she said, very nicely, Honey, the disposal wont work. Would you try to fix
it for me?

Once again, he growled, What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home,
she steeled her courage and said, Honey, the washer isnt running. Would you
check on it? and again was met with a snarl, What do I look like? The Maytag
repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three
repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her
husband got home, she said, Honey, I had the repairmen out today.

He frowned, Well, how much is that going to cost?

Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having
sex with them.

Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them? he asked.
She smiled. What do I look like? Betty Crocker?

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when youre mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first babys pacifier by boiling it and to your last babys pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the babys face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

Why dont most women ever tell their husbands when theyre really enjoying sex?

Because their husbands are never there when it happens!