You can get chocolate.
If you love me youll swallow that has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate wont mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word commitment doesnt scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours
without upsetting your work mates.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You dont get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate theres no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesnt make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesnt matter; its always good.

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

3. Dont be silly, protect your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Dont be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You cant go wrong if you shield your dong.

7. If youre not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think shes spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She wont get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While youre undressing venus, dress up that penis.

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Dont be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection! Protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

20. A crank with armor will never harm her.

21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.

22. Dont make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

24. If you cant shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

25. No glove, No love.

26. Dont be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

28. Even though youre tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.

29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.

An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.

He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out Ill write you a prescription.

The old man looked at the pills and said Doc. Dont you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill.

Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You dont want a quarter of a pill. That wont do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience youre going to need a full dose.

Doc, you dont understand. I dont want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes.

Heard this from a friend:

For those who need some background: the Republicans in Congress are trying
to reduce or eliminate federal support for the Public Broadcasting System.

Timothy Moy
tdmoy@unm.edu

A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN
TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE

8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while
reciting passages of Atlas Shrugged.

9:00 am Mr. Rogers Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings
Elitism is neat. The House Un-American Activities investigation of
Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids cant be
his neighbor.

10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more
judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert
and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all the
Muppets white.

11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode Ernest Does Trickle-Down.
Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on
defense will balance the budget.

Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole,
explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank
closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job
loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else.

1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat
Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.

2:00 pm William F. Buckleys Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush
Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G.
Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran,
Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan
the need for more conservative media voices.

3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use
machine guns to bag endangered species.

4:00 pm NOVA: Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?

5:00 pm Newt Ginrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood
present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan
says he is being shut out from national exposure.

6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock
Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater.

7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of
Wagners Prelude to a Cultural War.

8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsens A Dolls House. Phyllis
Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives
up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove.

9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh,
John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon
Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul
Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss
liberal media bias.

10:00 pm Adam Smiths Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion

10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of
all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety,
environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.

11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle

11:01 pm Sign-Off

Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. Theres a car being towed from the parking lot, he said.

An ambulance just drove by.

A few moments passed.

Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out, Matts riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. How do you know that? the startled father asked.

Their kid is standing out on the balcony too, his son replied.

One morning, three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. Hes not my husband, she says.He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. Hes not my husband either. She says, also not recognizing the unit.He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. Wait a minute, she says. Hes not even a member of this club.

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.

Dont cry, little one., replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldnt do, but if he saw the wizard, hed fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.

The witch asked him why he was crying. Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldnt do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.

At this point, the elephant just started wailing. I dont know where the wizard is, he sobbed.

Oh thats easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad, said the good witch.

She told her husband that she should be having sex at least fifteen times a month.
Great! replied the husband. Put me down for Five.

Recent newspaper articles are touting a new treatment for impotence. The treatment consists of injecting a drug into the base of the penis with a small painless needle, almost guaranteeing an erection of massive proportion (The best ever in my life says Joe F. Lacid). Not content to just be big, it will last for TWO WHOLE HOURS. Now, my question is:

WHAT WILL I DO FOR FOLLOWING HOUR & 55 MINUTES?

Here are some suggestions:

Use it as a lightning rod
Set it up as a weather vane
Try it as a swizzle stick (not a coffee stirrer)
Play Tether Ball
Use it as a fishing pole
Be patriotic – use it as a Flag Pole
Its a handy coat rack
With an appropriate partner, its a Jousting Lance
Play pool with your custom Cue Stick
Star Wars Light Sabre
A Flight Simulator Joy Stick
Drive around, use it as you Shift Lever
Summer Olympics – try the Pole Vault
Your own Karaoke Microphone
Its a Magic Wand – wave it at someone
Play Ball – Its a Fungo Bat

and

It can be your kittys new scratching post