There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.

Dont leave me here to die alone here! the old man said, when the day finally came.

Now dad, said the son, we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. Ill visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call.

So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. Youve got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the foods terrible, and Im so alone!

Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if its really that bad, well have to work something out.

So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old mans surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.

As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. Son, this is one great place youve found for me! The foods great, the company is excellent, and Ive never been happier!

Thats great news, Dad, I hoped youd come to like the place once youd given it a chance.

Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.

When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, Son, Son, youve got to get me out of this place! Right Now!

But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, Ive got to run over there and get you?

Son, you dont understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

Doctor, this should not be possible, he said, Im the Pope, and Im celibate! I havent had one of these for 30 years!



The doctors reply was, Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time.



The Pope exclaimed But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isnt going away!



The doctor replied You have two options … either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.



Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up.



The paparazzo shouts out, Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?



Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.



Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, Ill lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!



The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?



Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peters, with the offending camera around his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:





Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope, says the man, how much you pay for it?



Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie, he replies, I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.



Ah, says the Japanese gentleman, look like someone saw you coming!

Before I bought an answering machine, I thought I didnt need one. Then
I started thinking up possible messages, and before long I had bought an
answering machine just so I could put my messages on it. Here they
are. There are plenty of them…

This is not an answering machine–this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your
call.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.
After the tone, leave your name and number, and well have an asshole
return your call as soon as possible.

I cant come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of
them will get back to you.

I cant come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I dont remember. Id appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Cmon…you can do it…just a little one. Thats the way…just a little
beep, just a little one. Cmon…good boy…here we go…like
this–beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, cmon…There you go!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you werent ready, we gave
it to Vanna White. Sorry.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durways not here
right now, but if youll leave your name, number, and confession at the
tone, hell get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And
remember, confession doesnt count unless you confess all of your sins in
vivid, graphic detail!

I cant come to the phone right now because Im down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If youre from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] Im sorry, Dave, I cant do that.

[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and Ill get back to thee.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I cant come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange…mother…unicorn…penis. Ill get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of Ride of the Valkyries]
Leave a message…leave a message….etc.

Next on Public Radio 91 well be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is
the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72….

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not
the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone…the telephone is next to an
answering machine…you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine…you hear a beep….

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5…4…3…2…1…

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money.
Ill get back to you as soon as its safe for you to come out of hiding.

Dont you do it! Dont you dare! I dont want to hear it! Dont you
beep! If you beep, Ill…dont even think about it!….Dont….!

I cant come to the phone now, so…hey–thats a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
machines bothering you all the time…yes indeedy. Why dont you give me a
call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings…I might even play
my beep for you…

I cant come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, Im at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
Im doing this NOW, while youre listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess its NOW, like, when youre listening to it…I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I cant understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this…YOW!!

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Todays
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not…er…bear a…er…shalt not
witness thy…uh…neighbors ass, oh, I mean, false…er…shalt not
commit a bear…dern…

Hey. Enjoy.
Lindsey Durway

Ralph decides that maybe hed like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesnt have any feet or legs.
Ralph says out loud, Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?

I was born this way, says the parrot, Im a defective parrot.

Ha, ha, the guy laughs, it sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.

I understood every word, says the parrot, I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.

Yeah? the guy asks, then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?

Well, the parrot says, this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked. Ill tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kinda like a little hook. You cant see it cause of my feathers.

Wow, says Ralph, you really do understand, dont you?

Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports physics, philosophy… and I am especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I am a great companion.

Ralph is shocked by the price tag, $2,000.00! I cant afford that!

Psst, the parrot hisses, motioning the guy closer with one wing.

Nobody wants me cause I dont have any feet. You can get me for $20 – just make the owner an offer.

So for $20 Ralph walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. Hes funny, hes interesting, hes a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. Ralph is delighted!

One day, Ralph comes home from work and the parrot says, Psst, and motions him over with one wing.

Ralph moves up close to the cage.

I dont know if I should tell you this or not, says the parrot, but its about your wife and the mailman…

What?! says Ralph, shocked.

Well, the parrot says, when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.

What happened then? asks Ralph.

Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over, reports the parrot.

My God! Ralph says, then what?

Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowing working his way down…

The parrot pauses for a long time.

Well, Ralph says frantically, what happened, what happened?

I dont know, says the parrot, I fell off my perch!

Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary

10. Today is our what?

9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Heres a $5 gift certificate for McDonalds.

8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, Ill take you to Pizza Hut if itll shut ya up.

7. Okay, lets celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

5. I thought we only celebrated important events?

4. Having sex doesnt count as a gift?

3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.

1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri:

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means dont do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. If they sing without music, it is called Acapulco.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
I cant reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is its too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
Q: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
A: Yes.

Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.

You know you have been in Finland too long, when…

You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should
keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage.
As you walk past the Parliament Building in Helsinki, and see the statue
titled Svinhufvud you no longer read it as Swinehead… instead you think
What a good Swedish name!
When a stranger on the street smiles at you:

you assume he is drunk
he is insane
hes an American

You dont think twice about putting the wet dishes away in the cupboard to
dry.
A friend asks about your holiday plans and you answer Oh, Im going to
Europe! meaning any other Western European country outside Scandinavia.
You no longer scrunch up or fold your paper money. You always put your money
in your wallet.
You see a student taking a front row seat and wonder Who does he think he
is?!
Silence is fun.
The reason you take the ferry to Stockholm is:

duty free voldka
duty free beer
to party heartly… no need to get off the boat in Stockholm, just turn
around and do it again on the way back to Finland

Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there
is less than 10 scoops per pot.
You pass a grocery store and think Wow, it is open, I had better go in and
buy something!
Your native language has seriously deteriorated, now you begin to eat
medicine, open the television, close the lights off, and tell someone you
needent to! Expressions like Dont panic creep into your everyday language.
You associate pea soup with Thursday.
Your idea of unforgivable behavior now includes walking across the street
when the light is red and there is no WALK symbol, even though there are no cars
in sight.
Your notion of streetlife is reduced to the few teenagers hanging out in
front of the railway station on Friday nigts.
Your bad mood becomes your good mood.
Sundays no longer seem dull with all the stores closed, and begin to feel
restful instead.
No comment becomes a conversation strategy.
You finally stop asking your class Are there any questions?
The fact that all of the vs and the ws are together in the phone
directory seems right.
Your old habit of being Fashionably late is no longer acceptable. You are
always on time.
Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
You begin to understand Jussi Jyylanpaarvis broadcast of the hockey game.
You refuse to wear a hat, even in -30 degree weather.
You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume:

they are drunk
the are Swedish-speaking
they are American
all of the above

You give up on trying to find fat-free food and pile on the butter, cream
and sugar.
You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways.
You eat herring in 105 ways.
You no longer look at sports pants as casual wear, but recognize them as
semi-formal wear.
You can now reconstruct the missing letters on a building. For example
MERI………LIITTO OY.
You have undergone a transformation:

you accept mustamakkara (Black-blood sausage) as food
you accept alcohol as food
you accept

You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
You no longer have to search for the flushing mechanism.
You no longer see any problem wearing white socks with loafers.
You no longer correct people who say MAC Donalds.
You just love Jaffa.
Youve come to expect Sunday morning sidewalk vomit dodging.
You know that religious holiday means lets get pissed.
You enjoy salmiakki.
You know that mens public bathroom is another phrase for sidewalk.
You know that more than three channels means cable.
You get all the Swedish jokes.
When youre hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning.
Youve become lactose intolerant.
You accept that 80 degrees centigrade in a sauna is chilly, but 20 degrees
centigrade outside is freaking hot.
You cant understand why people live anywhere but in Finland!!!

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You dont have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Person youre with doesnt fantasize youre someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it wont last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks youre kinky.

3. Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex…

1. IF YOU DONT GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his.
But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone hes never seen before. What
do I do if shes ugly? says Mike, Ill be stuck
with her all night. Dont worry, Joe says, just go up to her door
and meet her first. If you like what you
see, then everything goes as planned. If you dont just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake
an asthma attack. Thatll give you an excuse to
cancel the date right then and there. So that night, Mike knocks at the girls door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at
how beautiful and sexy she is. Hes about to
speak when the girl suddenly shouts: Aaaaaauuuggghhh!

Attention all Heterosexual Men!

Are you unhappy with your lifestyle?

Do you yearn for more in entertainment than monster truck
shows have to offer?

Do beer commercials leave you bored and uninterested?

Are you tired of being a decade behind in fashion?

Do you wish you had a nice apartment — like the ones on
Will & Grace?

You are not alone! Act now, and youll be on your way
to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL!

For a limited time, homosexuals are recruiting heterosexual
men to become just like us! Let us help you in your
transformation from bland to faboo! Well give you all the steps
youll need to be a happy, healthy fairy, like:

How to have sex with a man and not need the six pack of
beer!

How to make your home Architectural Digest-ready – with
extra tips on antiques, throw pillows, and foreign art!

The secret list of essential Madonna and Cher CDs you
MUST own.

That tongue trick invented (circa 1978) in a back alley in
NYC!

The address of Ricky Martins private fan club!

Why you must JUST SAY NO to bi-level haircuts!

Dance steps for even the most rhythmically impaired — and
why dancing with a shirt on is a no-no — unless you havent
been going to the gym.

Why you must go to the gym!

Gaydar lessons — youll finally know the truth about that
unusual Uncle.

Our In and Out list — for the current week.

Style and grooming tips no self-respecting gay man should
be without (say good-bye to that uni-brow)!

How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (well even
insert a few bucks to get you started).

A dialect coach to assist in gaylingo — learn terms like
twinkie, muscle bunny, drama queen — and their importance in
conversation.

Significant historical dates youll need to know, like the year
Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbras wedding
anniversary, and the day Judy died!

Act now and youll receive a closet door
(removed, of course) to symbolize your freedom!
Dont delay any longer!

Dont you want to have more women hanging off you than
when you were straight? Call 1-800-GET-FABB to begin
your life as a fabulous fag!

Call today.

Operators are standing by!

(Offer void in Kentucky and Tennessee.)