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Well its been over 20 years since Consumers Reports reviewed girlfriends
(CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So
we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend
for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final
product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion?
A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting
a girlfriend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you
are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics– if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and
a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy,
high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear
polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power
in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you
that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice;
due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually
increase with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or
a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
| Your age | Used or New |
|---|
| 1-12 years | (see note A) |
| 13-16 years | New |
| 17-21 years | Used, but not used up |
| 22-35 years | Used heavily |
| 35-60 years | New (see note B) |
| 60+ | (see note A) |
Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only new if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, divorced.
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences
to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough
to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may
be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU
advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage
(2.1 SOs/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the
girlfriend was a professional.
Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test
ride ritual begins with the so-called pickup line, which can range from
the simple if dull (Can I buy you a drink?) to the aggressively hip
(dance with me or Ill kill you) to the arcane (Youre my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!). CU rates as Not Acceptable
Smile, youll look better. Once on the test bed, evaluate handling,
stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are:
how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does
the heater warm adaquately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected
to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CUs
specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and
living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility.
A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the
following criterion:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in catagories by similarity.
Within each catagory, variation is not statistically significant.
| Catagory | Comments |
|---|
| Goddess: | This is the woman of your dreams.
She comes equipped with
all the options you want and none of the ones you dont. She
can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game
of raquetball, understand what you mean even if you dont
say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hangups.
The drawback is that this model is not actually available. |
| Goddess-in-law: | This model is similar to the
goddess, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a
spiteful mother, an alchololic father, and a bratty kid.
This model tends to generate grey hairs. |
| Ms. Right: | The best all-around choice for
most girlfriend situations.
Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that,
an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely
limited but can occasionally be found with luck. |
| The Babe: | This is the flashy, fully-loaded
variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for
impressing your friends, but not for your long-term
girlfriend needs. |
| The Friend: | The model with the most empathy.
Caring and kind but you
wouldnt be caught dead in it. Availibility is poor to fair,
depending on quality. |
| The Ford Escort of girlfriends: |
Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch,
if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or
unreliable, or have a dull finish. |