Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers.

Dear (her name) or babe,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified canditates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___ Your repeated comments such as, Is it still called a penis when its this small? were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he beats that domestic abuse rap shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be just like your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)

Bobby was in the jacuzzi with three other gays telling them his gay penises joke; suddenly alot of spunk floats to the top, everyone shouts Bobby have you farted again!

A sex education teacher is discussing test results with a collegue.
Sex education has its own problems, says the teacher.
One of my students has become pregnant and I dont know whether to fail her or give her an A!

Q: Why do men always give their penis a name?

A: Because they dont want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them.

Since the election season in the United States has passed I have
one more thing that may amuse the good people of the Net.

This is all taken directly from the State of Oregon voters
pamphlet.

In Oregon, as in several states, we have what is called an
initiative process. This allows anyone who can collect enough
signatures on petitions to put anything they want up for a public
vote. The first part is the measure itself.

The second part is one of the arguments in favor. You can have one
of these put in the voters pamphlet for $300.

This measure failed by only a 10% margin.

Measure No. 9, State of Oregon

BALLOT TITLE

AMENDS CONSTITUTION: GOVERNMENT CANNOT FACILITATE, MUST DISCOURAGE HOMOSEXUALITY, OTHER BEHAVIORS

QUESTION-Shall constitution be amended to require that all
governments discourage homosexuality, other listed behaviors, and
not facilitate or recognize them?

SUMMARY-Amends Oregon Constitution. All governments in Oregon may
not use their monies or properties to promote, encourage or
facilitate homosexuality, pedophilia, sadism, or masochism. All
levels of government, including public education system, must
assist in setting a standard for Oregons youth which recognizes
that these behaviors are abnormal, wrong, unnatural and
perverse and that they are to be discouraged and avoided. State
may not recognize this conduct under sexual orientation or
sexual preference labels, or through quotas, minority status,
affirmative action, or similar concepts.

ESTIMATE OF FINANCIAL IMPACT-Minimal financial impact. The
Department of Education expects to make some in curriculum changes
valued at $210,000 Federal Funds if this measure passes.

ARGUMENT IN FAVOR

According to the book of Leviticus in the Bible, Oyster eating,
crossbreeding cattle, shaving a beard, wearing clothes made of
mixed fibers, cursing ones parents and adultery are just as
immoral as homosexuality. If the OCAs No Special Rights
Committee wants to take one of the 3,000-year old laws of ritual
holiness from Leviticus and put it into the Bill of Rights in the
state constitution, they should be sincere enough to put all the
rest of Leviticus into the constitution as well. Its simple
matter of respect for these historic laws to treat them
consistently.

We at the Special Righteousness Committee are just as offended
by oyster eating, shaving and mixed fibers as the OCA is offended
by homosexuality, and we have just as much right as the OCA does to
change the state constitution to require government discrimination
against people whose behavior we dont like.

My friends, do you want the public schools teaching your
children that shaving is a legitimate and equal alternative style
to a normal healthy beard? Would you want to be forced to hire an
oyster-eater to direct your church choir? Adam and Eve wore fig
leaves–100 percent fig leaves–and this is divine proof that those
disgustingly unnatural cotton/polyester blends are sinful. And
when the OCA was analyzing the threat to traditional family values,
we dont know how they managed to overlook adultery! Why theres
a lot more adultery than homosexuality going on out there, and
extrapolations from the OCA statistics show that 90 percent of the
people who have engaged in sexual perversions are heterosexual
(straight).

The state condones adultery by not punishing it by death as
required by Leviticus. It promotes oyster-eating by licensing
seafood restaurants, it allows people to take mixed fibers out in
public without being fired or evicted! The state is encouraging
sin!

If the OCA can have the special right to make their personal
moral agenda into public policy, then anyone else also should be
able to amend the state Bill of Rights to eliminate basic rights
for people who they dont like.

Lets put ALL of Leviticus into the constitution! A yes vote
is the first step in facilitating our militant moral agenda.

AGREE WITH US OR BURN IN HELL!

Special Righteousness Committee
(address deleted)

Mother,
father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants
walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says
to his mother, "Whats that?"
"Thats the elephants tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh,
nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same
question.
His father looks and says, "Thats the elephants
penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks
the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and
says, "Son, Ive spoiled that woman."

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If its the flu, youll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause youre fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.

A: So whats your question?

Q: Whats the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A: Nothing (if the pregnant womans husband knows whats good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out youre pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the babys mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Excerpts from:

NutWorks
Electronic Humor Magazine.

Issue023, (Volume VI, Number III). May, 1988.

NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>

The AI Notebook
===============
by Johnathan R. Partington <JRP1@UK.AC.CAM.PHX>

More Triumphs in Artificial Intelligence
by Charles Cabbage

I related once how I managed to investigate the fundamental question How
many beans make five? by building intelligence into a tin of beans and
then asking it. But progress did not stop there.

A.I. people talk of the Fifth Generation–intelligent machines
that will be able to reason for themselves, leaving Mans mind free to
relax and listen to Bach without having to worry about things like Mathematics, The Weather Forecast and Why the Drinks Machine is Always Broken.

However most A.I. programs are in fact very stupid. If you ask them to
count sheep, 50% will produce an integer overflow in less than a minute,
25% of them will fall asleep, and 25% will involve themselves so deeply
on the problem that they will begin to think that they themselves are
sheep, and print the message BAA. Clearly modern A.I. research is proceeding on the wrong lines.

Being totally unprejudiced in these matters, I tried two new
approaches.

The first was to develop a program that would infallibly give irrelevant answers to questions. (This is the basis of Lateral Thinking.) Thus,
when asked, Do you like blancmange? my program replied, I think Mozart
shows a surer grasp of symphonic techniques. Likewise, when asked, What
is wrong with the job scheduler on this computer? it replied, It doesnt
smell as nice as dead mackerel. Unfortunately, owing to a bug in my programming, the program would occasionally act in an intelligent manner: in
particular it told me that A.I. was a waste of time and that it had
decided to retire to Sussex and keep bees. It still sends me pots of
honey occasionally.

My second approach was to aim for Artificial Wisdom rather than Intelligence. With the Japanese market in mind, I decided that using Zen might
be the easiest way of doing this. A sample conversation follows.

Q: Oh computer, are you able to demonstrate Wisdom?

A: <Displays a picture of a plastic cup being eaten by an alligator.>

Q: Er, yes. How many beans make five?

A: If you say that five beans make five, you deny their reality. But
nobody would say that six potatoes make five.

Q: Right on. Tell me, is Fermats Last Theorem true?

A: If you answer Yes or No you lose your own Buddha-nature. So how do you
answer?

Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?

A: Mu.

Q: I see, I see. Will it rain tomorrow?

However from then on my program refused to talk to me on the grounds that
I had not yet attained Enlightenment. I reluctantly deleted it.

Classified Ads
==============

SWF, promiscuous, seeks part-time lover for short relationship to make
old boyfriend jealous. Box 429.

SWM, promiscuous, seeks part-time lover to make old girlfriend jealous.
Box 182.

List of possible slogans promoting National Condom Week

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Dont be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Dont be a loner, cover your boner
6. You cant go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If youre not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think shes spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She wont get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While youre undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Dont be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

The three stages of marital sex:

Honeymoon sex:
This is where you have sex three or four times a night.

Vacation sex:
This is where you have sex ten or twelve times a year.

Oral sex:
This is where you stand on the opposite side of the room from
your spouse and yell FUCK YOU.