The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinbergs physician comes into his room and says, Sol, Im happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. Were going to send you home tomorrow. You dont have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like. Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: Doris, youll never believe it: Im completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like youve never had before, wild, passionate sex….youll love it! Doris thinks for a minute and says, I dont know, Sol. Ive heard about active sex and heart conditions. I dont want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK… maybe I would have such sex with you…. Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctors office; his doctor tells him, Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, Ill write the note. Lets see, heres my prescription pad: Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz……. Now, Ill just address this……. By the way, Sol, whats your wifes first name? Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, To Whom It May Concern?

Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell Ride them suckers!

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. What the heck is wolf style? you ask. Thats when you sit by the hole and howl!

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party.

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it.

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?

The guy replies, Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, Are you crazy, you cant put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive.

The guy says, Its not for my penis, its for my arm. Pharmacist says, What?? What happened? Guy replies, Well…I drank the whole bottle of your potion. Pharmacist says, And… Guy replies, The girls never showed up!

Honey, I Shrunk My Penis

Its the Great Penis, Charlie Brown

Stop, or My Penis Will Shoot

Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Penis

Whos Harry Penis

Not With My Penis, You Dont

Tell them Penis Boy is Here

The Penises are Coming, The Penises are Coming

Penn and Teller Get Penis

Big Penis for the Little Lady

Pardon Mon Penis

On Hers Majestys Secret Penis

Mr. Mikes Mondo Peniso

The Man With Bogarts Penis

The Man with one Red Penis

The Tall Blond Man With One Black Penis

Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream Penis

Love With the Proper Penis

George Carlin— Playin with Your Penis

To Wong Foo, Thanks For Penis, Julie Newmar

Can I Do it til I Need Penis?

Penishead Revisited

Big Girls Dont Cry..They Get Penis

The Favor, the Watch, and the Very Big Penis

JoJo Dancer, Your Penis is Calling

The Last Action Penis

Die Hard with a Penis

A Hard Penis Night

Hard Penis to Hawaii

Seven Brides for Seven Penises

A Clear and Present Penis

The Englishman who Went up a Penis and Came

Au Revior, Le Penis

Long Days Penis into Night

Quackser Fortune has a Penis in the Bronx

Looking for Mr. Goodpenis

Bring me the Penis of Alfredo Garcia

Penis on a Hot Tin Roof

Alan Quartermain and the Lost Penis of Gold

Willy Wonka and the Penis Factory

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Penis

Winnie the Pooh and Penis, Too

Penis in a Girls Dormitory

Manos, The Penis of Fate

Under the Cherry Penis

A Penis Grows in Brooklyn

The Unbearable Lightness of Penis

The Long, Hot Penis

Revenge of the Pink Penis

Promise her Penis

The Penis Always Rings Twice

Big Penis Pee-Wee

Big Penis in Little China

Peggy Sue Got Penis

Penis Beach Party

Ferris Buellers Penis Off

On a Clear Day, You Can See Penis

An Officer and a Penis

One Penis in the Life of Ivan Denisovich

Oh Penis, Poor Penis, Mammas Hung You in the Closet and Im Feeling so Sad

The Night the Penis Went Out in Georgia

Night of the Living Penis

The Penis that Roared

Much Ado About Penis

My Dinner With Penis

My Favorite Penis

The Muppets Take Penis

The Milagro Penis War

The Penis Who Loved Cat Dancing

The Man Who Loved Cat Penis

The Penis Who Had Power over Women

The Penis They Could not Hang

The Man who Loved Penis

The Discreet Penis of the Bourgeoisie

The Penis of the Finzi-Continis

Extraordinary Adventures of Mr Penis in the Land of the Bolsheviks

Lets Penis Jessica to Death

I Was a Penis for the FBI

The Penis is a Lonely Hunter

The Greatest Penis on Earth

The Penis According to St. Matthew

Gentlemen Prefer Penis

Edward Penishands

Dont Raise the Penis, Lower the Water

The Day the Penis Stood Still

The Cook, the Thief, His Penis, and Her Lover

Children Shouldnt Play with Dead Penises

Blame it on Penis

Attack of the 50 Foot Penis

What women say and what they mean

Cant we just be friends? = There is no way in hell I am going to let any part
of his body touch any part of mine, again.

I just need some space = without you in it.

Do I look fat in this dress? = We havent had a fight in a while.

No, pizzas fine = Cheap bastard!

I just do not want a boyfriend now = I just dont want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I dont know; what do you want to do? = I cant believe that you have nothing
planned.

I like you, but = I dont like you.

You never listen = You never listen.

Were moving too quickly = I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if
this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

Ill be ready in a minute = I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because
I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself = I am just being nice; there is no way I am going
dutch.

Im just going out with the girls = We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you
and your friends.

Theres no one else = I am doing your brother.

Size doesnt matter = unless I want an orgasm.

What men say and what they mean

Im hungry = Im hungry.

Im sleepy = Im sleepy.

Im tired = Im tired.

Ive gotta pee = Get out of the way.

Ive gotta GO = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I get your coat? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Let me get your door. = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice Tits!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

Whats wrong? = I dont see why are you making such a big deal out of this.

Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you
going through now?

Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

Im bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Lets have sex now.

I love you too. = Okay, I said it…wed better have sex now!

Good morning. = That was great sex……lets have more!

See you later. = That was great sex……lets have more!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesnt look that much
different!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = For $50 they should have GIVEN you
hair!

Lets talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and
maybe then youd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other
guys.

Will you marry me? = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these
talks

While shopping

Yes, that ones nice = Why do you ask when you arent going to listen anyway?

That one looks great on you = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

I like that one better. = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

Uh huh = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

I dont think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

It makes you look fat = Im really stupid!

Everybody who has a cat calls him Sweety or Kitten. I call mine Sex. Sex has
been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told
the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.
Then I said, But this is a cat. He said he didnt care what she looked like.
Then I said, You dont understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He
said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the cat with me. I told the
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He
said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, You dont understand,
Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the cat
ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I
told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have
sold my own tickets. But you dont understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on
TV. He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the cat.
I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said, Me too.
Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop
came over to me and asked me, What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the
morning. I said, I am looking for Sex. My case comes up on Friday.

Neighbor 1: Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.

New Neighbor: Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.

Neighbor 1: So, what is it you do for a living?

New Neighbor: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.

Neighbor 1: Deductive reasoning, whats that?

New Neighbor: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.

Neighbor 1: Thats right.

New Neighbor: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: Right again.

New Neighbor: Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife.

Neighbor 1: Correct.

New Neighbor: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.

Neighbor 1: Yup.

New Neighbor: That is deductive reasoning.

Neighbor 1: Cool.

Later that same day:

Neighbor 1: Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.

Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?

Neighbor 1: Yes, and he has an interesting job.

Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah, what does he do?

Neighbor 1: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.

Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning, what is that?

Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?

Neighbor 2: No.

Neighbor 1: Fag!

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.
He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and
sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that
most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said
sweetly, Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it? Her
husband snarled, What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man? and sat
down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldnt work. When her husband got
home, she said, very nicely, Honey, the disposal wont work. Would you
try to fix it for me? Once again, he growled, What do I look like?
Mr. Plumber?

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband
got home, she steeled her courage and said, Honey, the washer isnt
running. Would you check on it? And again was met with a snarl, What
do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three
repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said, Honey, I had the repairmen out
today. He frowned, Well, how much is that going to cost? Well,
honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having
sex with them.

Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them? he asked. She smiled.
What do I look like? Betty Crocker?

OXYMORONS…

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Safe sex

Airline food

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Microsoft Works

Soft rock

Butt head

Military intelligence

Software documentation

California culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

Now, then …

Synthetic natural gas

Christian Scientists

Passive aggression

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Temporary tax increase

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance