A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!.

Again, theres a bright flash…and then his legs fall off!

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.
The second cant stand to be bested. Why thats nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And Im still here today.
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success. Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success. Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success. Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked, Who are you?

To which he replied, Oh, Im Cess!

Im Glad Im A Woman



Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt

my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I dont go around readjusting my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

Jack goes to the doctor and says Doc Im having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. Theres really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.

Jack asks sadly, What is this treatment?

Well, the doctor explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

Jack thinks about it silently then says, Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.

His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, That was incredible! Can you do that again?

Jack replied, Well, I guess so, but I dont think I can fit another roll in my ass.

New IRS Tax Policy

GOVERNMENT NOTICE

January 1, 1995

To: All Male Taxpayers

From: IRS

RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

*12-10 inches –Luxury Tax –$50.00

10-8 inches –Pole Tax –$30.00

8-6 inches –Privilege Tax –$15.00

6-4 inches –Nuisance Tax –$5.00

Please Note:

-Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.

– * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker

Internal Revenue Services

You might be a child of the 80s if…

… you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people youve never met in real life.

… the phrase going courting, to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.

… you know, by heart, the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song.

… not that youd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.

… you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.

… you think the the Gay 90s refers to this decade and sexual orientation.

… the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

… you remember the first time Space: Above and Beyond aired – it was called Battlestar Galactica

…. songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.

… three words: Atari IntelliVision and Coleco. Sound familiar?

… you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasnt an expensive option that required gadgets – it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!

… you remember the days when safe sex meant my parents are gone for the weekend.

… you remember Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

… you ever owned a pair of Pop-Wheels – that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.

… a predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

… youre pissed that you couldnt really participate in the 60s, pissed that you were a part of the 70s, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80s, and still have no clue what the 90s are all about.

… you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.

… while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play 1999 by Prince over and over again.

… you remember when music that was labeled alternative really was.

… one of the top five questions youve always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure – What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?

… you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name JFK, the first thing you think of is Oliver Stone.

… you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to Its the end of the world as we know it.

… you cant remember when the word networking didnt have a computer connotation to it as well.

… you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

… you knew all the words to Billy Joels We Didnt Start the Fire, but it really didnt hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.

… youve ever conversationally used the phrase Jane, you ignorant slut.

… you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that youre older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.

… youve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: — When I was younger . . . — When I was your age . . . — You know, back when . . . — Because I SAID so, thats why. — What the HELL is this noise on the radio? — Just cant (fill in the blank) like I used to.

… you cant remember a time when going out for coffee DIDNT involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

… Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

… kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you sir or maam.

… youre starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and youre ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.

… flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.

… the first time you heard the candidates names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.

… you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.

… at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.

… Celebration by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.

… the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during Crazy for You by Madonna.

… there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of Skip Buffy Muffy or Dexter.

… you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.

… you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.

… you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.

… the phrase Wheres the beef? still doubles you over with laughter.

… you read the Hot Video Games Players Secrets guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old times sake.

… honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

… you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie The Black Hole and those blender attachments he had for hands.

… you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.

… (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.

… (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was dreamy, lusted after Ted, your ships photographer on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

… youre still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.

… youre starting to dread youre 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.

… youve ever said Im a vegetarian and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying Nice leather jacket you have there… and gee, is that a suede bag… those shoes leather, too?

… youre starting to believe that maybe 30 isnt so old after all, and its those people over 40 you have to look out for.

… you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the 26 – 50 age category on most questionnaires.

… you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.

… your hair, at some point in time in the 80s, became something which can only be described by the phrase I was experimenting.

… this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.

Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.

Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leias breasts or Han Solos butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an teen-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

… you remember when the phrase candy is dandy, but sex wont rot your teeth started getting followed by yeah, but M&Ms wont give you AIDS…

… youve ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

… you cant remember a time when hitting the outlet stores didnt mean going to an electrical warehouse.

… youre starting to believe (now that it wouldnt affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldnt be such a bad idea after all.

… youre doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.

… you wont walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because theres too many kids there.

… going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.

… you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.

… youre starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and arent REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. Thats not YOU.

… youre starting to get that Why arent you married yet? schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.

… youve recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.

… youre finding that you just dont understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.

… (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and youre still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure theres nothing really good on cable that youd be missing first.

… you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

… U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

… you ever used the phrase kiss mah grits in conversation.

… when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.

… you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

… you ever used the phrase dont make me angry… you wouldnt LIKE me when Im angry when trying to frighten someone off.

… you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.

… you had ringside seats for Luke and Lauras wedding (on General Hospital).

… you remember Hey, lets be careful out there.

… your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.

… you know who shot J.R.

… this rings a bell: and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only
suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in
search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open
and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became
aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch.

In pain, she screamed, What the hell did you do that for?

Tarzan replied, Tarzan always check for squirrels.

21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic



1. The Titanic is big, but it doesnt have hyperdrive.



2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.



3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.



4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.



5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge cant say, Look at the size of that thing! and really mean it.



6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.



7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters.

Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.



8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.



9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.



10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?



11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.



12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.



13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed kings of the world?



14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.



15. Nothing has the same sting as Id rather kiss a Wookie.



16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.



17. Han Solo wouldve steered clear of that stinkin iceberg!



18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who couldve anticipated, Luke….I am your father.?



19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.



20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.



21. Titanic morals:

a. gamble,

b. cheat on your husband,

c. pose nude for pictures,

d. premarital sex is OK if youre infatuated.



Star Wars morals:

a. fight evil,

b. do good,

c. respect all life even if its ugly and slithers,

d. rescue princess,

e. save planet.

An 80-year-old man walks into a church and goes straight into the
confessional. There he hears a voice, Yes my son? Tell me your sins.

Well, Father, says the old man. I had sexual relations with a 17-year-old
girl.

Hmmm, says the Priest. Well, given todays lifestyles, and the fact that
people are having sex at a younger age these days, Im not too surprised.

But Father, Im 80 years old, says the man.

80 years old! And she is 17?! My goodness, well I guess things really have
changed these days. Just say 3 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers, and your sins
will be forgiven, replies the Priest.

I cant do that, Father, you see, Im Jewish!

Youre Jewish? Then why did you come in here to tell me this? asks the
Priest.

Because Father, Im telling everybody!