This comes from a friend, who claims it happened to her.

Her seven-year-old asks: Mom, whats sex?

Mom (flustered): Well, thats whether youre a girl or a boy. You know,
like when we signed you up for swimming lessons, and the form asked what
your sex was, thats what they wanted to know.

Son: OK.

Mom: (whew)

Next day:

Son: Mom, Joe says that sex is when you take off your clothes and rub
against each other. Is that true?

Mom: Well, yes, thats another meaning of sex.

Son: ALL your clothes?

Mom: Yes.

Son: YUCK! Really?

(Ive forgotten what transpired here; no matter.)

Mom: Well, Im real glad you asked me about this. If you have any more
questions, please ask.

Son: Well, I do have one more.

Mom (breaking into a sweat): Yes?

Son: Where does metal come from?

Why doesnt Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

You think proletariat is a type of cheese.

Youve named your kids Deduction one and Deduction two

Youve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just
allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

Youve ever referred to someone as my (insert racial or ethnic minority
here) friend

Youve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

Youre a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, theyre
richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops jack-booted thugs.

Youve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

Youve ever uttered the phrase, Why dont we just bomb the sons of
bitches.

Youve ever said, I cant wait to get into business school.

Youve ever called a secretary or waitress Tootsie.

You answer to The Man.

You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of Commies in my Neighborhood.

You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and
Ernie of sexual deviance.

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain,
little woman, old lady, tax credit…

You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.

Youve argued that art has a moral foundation set in Western values.

When people say Marx, you think Groucho.

Youve ever yelled, Hey hippie, get a haircut.

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in
America.

Youve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.

Youve ever referred to Anita Hill as a lying bitch while attending a
Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading The Bell Curve.

Youve ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the 60s and dont remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an Ollie North: American Hero sticker.

Youre afraid of the liberal media.

You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well, tradition dictates….

Youve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of
pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because
he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.

Youve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when
they dont even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

You cheer when a company announces layoffs because that means your
stock in that company will go up.

Havent I seen you before? = Nice ass.

Im a Romantic. = Im poor.

I need you. = My hand is tired.

I am different from all the other guys. = I am not circumcised.I want a commitment. = Im sick of masturbation. Youre the only girl Ive ever cared about. = You are the only girl who hasnt rejected me. I really want to get to know you better. = So I can tell my friends about it. Shes kinda cute. = I wouldnt kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.I dont know if I like her. = She wont sleep with me.I miss you so much. = I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.Was it good for you? = Im insecure about my manhood.How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?Do you love me? = Ive done something stupid and you might find out. Do you really love me? = Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later. How much do you love me? = Ive done something really stupid and someones on their way to tell you by now. I have something to tell you. = Get tested.Ill give you a call. = Id rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.Ive been thinking a lot. = Youre not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. = Youre ugly.Ive learned a lot from you. = Next! Im on a long distance call, can you call me later? = I gotta turn on my answering machine.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
brings up the subject of sex.
Just how do you guys do it? asks Maureen. Pretty much the way
you do, responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. Hes got only a teeny,
weeny member – about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I dont think this is going to work, says Maureen.
Why? he asks, Whats the matter?
Well, she replies, Its just not long enough to reach me!
No problem, he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
its quite impressively long.
Well, she says, Thats quite impressive, but its still pretty
narrow…. No problem, he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
Wow! she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks Well, was it any good?
I hate to say it, says Maureen, but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?
It was horrible, he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears.

THERE WAS this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and
jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was
admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the
exception of his PENIS which he readily decided to do something about.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it
around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady.

There really is no justice in this world.

The other little old lady said, what do you mean?

The first old lady said, Look at that. . . When I was 20 I was curious about
it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50
I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it,
and now that Im 80 the damn things are growing wild–and Im too old to squat!

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in

1983.

*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patients past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?

Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.

Wow, fifty dollars! exclaimed the bride, the monks only used to give us an apple…

A WOMANS GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: IM HUNGRY.
Im hungry. IM SLEEPY.
Im sleepy. IM TIRED.
Im tired. IVE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHATS WRONG?
I dont see why youre making such a big deal out of this. WHATS WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesnt look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LETS TALK, HONEY.
Im trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then youd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture
and asks the man what he sees.

A man and a woman making love in a park, the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he
sees.

A man and a woman making love in a boat.

He holds up the third picture.

A man and a woman making love at the beach.

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures. At the
end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, It
looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.

And the man replies, Well, youre the one with the dirty pictures.