These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, And what starting salary were you looking for?

The candidate said, In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The HR Person said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow!!! Are you kidding?

And the HR Person said, Certainly, …but you started it.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

6. The coffee machine is broken….

5. Someone mustve put decaf in the wrong pot.

4. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off!

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

How careers end…

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. Dont ask me a lot of questions, he told the boy. Just do whatever I tell you to do. One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. Get the hammer over there, he said. When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard. Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

How careers end…

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.