USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.

Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.

Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication

Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

I dont work here. Im a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Thoughts and stories from on the job

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, Is this what you get paid for ? I told him, Nope ! I do this for free.

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. I couldnt resist and added a note: And now you know why too.

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, Yeah, how does this thing work ? I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, Any questions ? She said, Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? Whens the last time ya ever heard of anyone who rested to death.

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they dont have enuff time to do all their work.

Todays Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasnt long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Joness sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.

Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

How careers end…

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnsons arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.

And the boss said, And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?

You Know Its Your Last Day At Work When……

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, Whats this?, you realize you just dropped the companys deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This ones your turn. Your boss is standing behind you. Its his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a weeks vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a sick day. The next morning the boss asks you, So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?.

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Youre in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

How careers end…

Artists models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog Measure was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, What can your dog do?. The Teamster called his dog whose name was Coffee Break and said, Show the fellows what you can do. Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmens Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN…

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

…my assistant began responding to my memos with, Yeah, whatever.

…I got a Its for you loser wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

…my secretary sez things like Get the phone, my nails arent dry.

…three people began helping me write a desk manual for my job.

…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

…the receptionist began saying Who ??? to anyone calling on me.