THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.

So you want a day off. Lets take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and Ill be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. Boss, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.

Were short-handed, Smith the boss replies. I cant give you the day off.

Thanks, boss, says Smith I knew I could count on you!

THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, dont open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely wont be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

3. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

2. I wasnt sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

1. Amen

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.