The floggings will continue until morale improves.

Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.

Those of you who think you know everything
are annoying those of us who do.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
dont have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life?

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So
I took his shoes. I mean, its not like he really needed them, right?

24 hours in a day… 24 beers in a case… coincidence?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

You know your old when you walk into an antique store
and someone tries to buy you.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Im out of sick leave, so I called in dead.