If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on
the headlights?

If you know any teenagers in prison,
send them some candy to help them break out.

I bought some batteries but they were not included,
so I had to buy them again.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

I like the open road, but not the open plumbing.

Ya mamma is like traintracks….

She gets laid around the country!

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Well, arent we just a ray of f***ing sunshine?

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

A hard-on doesnt count as personal growth?

Dont bother me. Im living happily ever after.

This isnt an office; its hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.

Therapy is expensive; popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.

I like cats too. Lets exchange recipes.

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, Ill put shoes on my cat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your crybaby, whiny-arsed opinion would be…?

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

Sure, everyone wants to save the whales, but not one voice is raised

on behalf of the plankton!

-Richard Guindon

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and Ill show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!