Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.

What does that tell you?

Watson pondered for a minute.

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.

Shut Up, replied Shut Up.

Stupid, replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. Excuse Me! shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.

Shut Up!

Stupid!

The police chief was very riled. He then asked Are you looking for trouble?!!!

Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,Why yes, how did you know?

Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, I hear sirens. Jump!

The second one said, But were on the 13th floor!

The first one screamed back, This is no time to be superstitious.

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. What are those knives doing in your car? asked the officer.

I juggle them in my act.

Oh yeah? says the cop. Lets see you do it. So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test theyre making you do now!

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? said the officer.

Im going to a lecture. the man said.

And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? the cop asked.

My wife. said the man.

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog cant even ride a bicycle.

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, Son, do you have a last request? To which the man replied, Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?

Certainly, replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?

Please, said the condemned man, kill me first.