The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, Ive got to take you in, sir. Youre obviously drunk

The wasted wino asked, Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure Im drunk?

Yeah, buddy, Im sure, said the copper. Lets go.

Obviously relieved, the wino said Thats a relief – I thought I was a cripple.

A man with a nagging secret couldnt keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

What did you take? his priest asked.

Enough to build my own house and enough for my sons house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.

This is very serious, the priest said. I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?

No, Father, I havent, the man replied. But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.

When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.

Youre wrong, officer, its only my hat that makes me look that old.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .. And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.

Indignantly, the man said, Why? Dont ye believe me?!

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge said, What will you take….30 days or $30.

The man replied, I think Ill take the money.

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, Why, Irish Mike, this wouldnt be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?

That it is, Irish Mike replied grimly, ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.

You mean you pinched his honor? asked Pat.

How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? demanded Mike.

Well, mused Pat, theres a lesson in this somewhere.

That there is, replied Irish Mike…. Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guys window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

The man says, Sorry officer I cant do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that Ill have a really bad asthma attack.

Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. I cant do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, Ill bleed to death.

Well, then we need a urine sample.

Im sorry officer I cant do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that Ill get really low blood sugar.

Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.

I cant do that, officer.

Why not?

Because Im too drunk to do that!

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?

To which the farmer replied: Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said Its Al Gore. Hes up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.

Donations! I said, How much you got so far?

He said about ten gallons.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!