A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

You just wont believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force Ive never seen anything like it.

Oh yes dear, what happened ?

I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?

Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away, and the police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

To the cops amazement, the results showed a reading of 0.0!

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, Tonight, Im the designated decoy.

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The disturbance turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. Whats more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, Ill bet that youre also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.

The giant nodded.

If I had some chains, the deputy continued, you could show us how strong you really are. But all Ive got is a set of handcuffs. Why dont you see just how quickly you can break out of them?

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. I cant get out of these, the giant growled.

Are you sure? the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. Nope, he replied. I cant do it.

In that case, said the deputy, youre under arrest.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: Whats the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: Im also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didnt know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, youve known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: Im also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Maam, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when hes drunk.

A tourist asks a man in uniform, Are you a policeman?

No, I am an undercover detective.

So why are you in uniform?

Today is my day off.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

Jesus is watching you, the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

Yes, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: Whats your name?

Clarence, said the bird.

Thats a dumb name for a parrot, sneered the burglar. What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said, The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they havent muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks.

Oh, theyll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.

You got any I.D.? the patrolman asked.

Bout what? the hillbilly replied.

While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed
over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with
that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, Whats
your hurry?

To which she replied, Im late for work.

Oh yeah, said the cop, what do you do?

Im a rectum stretcher, she responded.

The cop stammered, A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?

Well, she said, I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until its about 6 feet wide.

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? he asked.

You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge!

Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

Well, says the old fellow, I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.

The policeman looks at the old man and says, You shouldnt be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!

So the old man says, I know! Im crying because I dont remember where I live!