A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessies house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park…and couldnt find his way home. Oy Morris , said grandma, Youve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldnt hear. Morris whispered, I wasnt lost…..I was just too tired to walk home.

The following supposedly a true story.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said Because I dont believe you are over 21.

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didnt believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

You wouldnt believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.

The prisoner wrote another letter:

Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!

A farmer whos been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

I understand youre claiming damages for the injuries youre supposed to have suffered? Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

Yes, thats right, replied the farmer, nodding his head.

You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, Ive never felt better inn my life. Is that the case?

Yeah, but stammered the farmer.

A simple yes or not will suffice, counsel interrupted quickly.

Yes, Replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmers counsel to ask him questions. Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health, his lawyer said.

Certainly, replied the farmer. After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but hes never around when you need him.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, STOP! Acts 2:38! (Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.

Scripture? replied the burglar.

She said she had an axe and two 38s!

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the huge dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

Ive got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?

I should let you know first that I am a policeman.

Thats OK. Ill tell it really slow!

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until hes topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he cant escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, Its been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, Ill let you go.

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, Look at me. Im old and worn out.

Youd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.

The new man asked, What happened?

One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!