A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

Mam, is there a reason that youre weaving all over the road?

The woman replied, Oh officer, thank goodness youre here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, Maam… thats your air freshener.

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.

After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didnt stop, he just slowed down a little.

The gentleman said Stop or slow down, whats the difference?.

The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?

Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.

One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.

The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, Sorry, sir, but youre only allowed one seat.

The man groaned but didnt budge.

The usher became impatient. Sir, if you dont get up from there Im going to have to call the manager.

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, All right buddy, whats your name?

Sam, the man moaned.

Where ya from, Sam?

With pain in his voice Sam replied … the balcony.

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said, Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policemans brain as well. It costs $50,000.

The client asked, What? Hows that possible?

The doctor replied, You see, its totally unused.

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

Hello? Im calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbors house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?

Yep.

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep.

Great, now its your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.

The woman answered Well, I have contacts.

The policeman replied I dont care who you know! Youre getting a ticket!

Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man youre planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.

Apparently, just to anger him.

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, What do you think youre doing?

After a moment the man replied, … Well, Ive always wanted to strike a happy medium.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.

The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.

The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, meow, the cop says, oh, its only a cat

He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, woof, woof. The cop says, its only a dog.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, potato