Terminology:



Shotgun – The rightmost front passenger seat in a vehicle, a prime choice for any passenger, since it is the most comfortable seat, and also because of the psychological advantage of not being forced to subserviently look at the back of another persons head during a trip.



Enthronement – The physical presence of a person in the Shotgun position.



By Laws:



Vehicle Ownership

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The owner of a vehicle, if he/she isnt driving, always gets Shotgun in that vehicle. It is their car, it is their seat and they get it. This is a real bonus for an owner who is falling down drunk. They can rest assured Shotgun is rightfully theirs. They wont have to worry about concentrating through an alcohol-induced haze simply to remember to call Shotgun in their own hard-earned car. Once proper Shotgun enthronement rights have been established, they may also be surrendered. If the owner of the vehicle is eligible for Shotgun, but wants to sleep it off in the back seat, then they may give up Shotgun to a person of their choice. The vehicle owner is also the ultimate judge in any Shotgun disputes. Their word is law, and all passengers must defer to the owners interpretation of Shotgun law. Arbitration should be swift and final, so that everyone can be on their way. If the owner is going to stray from the Shotgun Constitution, they must have a good reason for doing so. If the owner is not eligible for Shotgun, any passenger can call Shotgun, but only under the proper conditions.



Legal Conditions for Calling Shotgun

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Shotgun can only be called when the driver is enroute to the vehicle for the purpose of driving immediately, and the Shotgun position is vacant. Shotgun cannot be called upon arrival, only upon departure. For example, a group of travelers may arrive at a restaurant and get out of the car for a meal. Some bone-head might try calling Shotgun immediately for the subsequent ride home, but that is not appropriate. If this kind of precedent were allowed, it would let anyone call Shotgun futures for potential rides into eternity. Only after finishing the meal, when the driver picks up the car keys, is a Shotgun call allowed. Jingling keys is a very strong sign of an Enroute condition. If the driver says lets go that also can be reasonably construed as Enroute. Most Enroute conditions mean that driving will take place within a few minutes, but not always. If the driver of a car turns around on a three hour trail ride, and says lets go home, then an enroute condition exists and Shotgun may be called immediately.



Forcible Dethronement (a.k.a. Physical Challenge)

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There are some people in this world that always remember to call Shotgun. Although this is an admirable trait at first, it quickly grows old. These people tend to be real weenies, and if they knew better, would sometimes let someone else call shotgun just to be a little more diplomatic. The purpose of the Shotgun Constitution is to provide for a peaceful, fair method of getting to ride Shotgun. Unfortunately, if an introverted nerd consistently calls Shotgun ad nauseum, there must be accommodations for that person to be forcibly removed from the seat. Thus the Forcible Dethronement policy. This allows one other passenger (usually larger in stature) to declare Physical Challenge! and pull, push or otherwise eject the previous Shotgun participant from the seat. Although frowned upon if used regularly, this physical challenge is a legitimate means of wresting Shotgun control away from the legal party. Any physical tactics short of grievous bodily injury are employable.



The Dick Clause

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Though not a formal by-law of the Constitution, the Dick Clause is a necessary refinement in semantics. Just because the drivers girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, whoever happens to be in the car, that Significant Other does not get Shotgun by default. Anyone else can legally call Shotgun and force the Significant Other to ride in the back. But then of course that would mean that person is a Dick.



Post-amble

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I first drafted the Shotgun Constitution in 1990 while attending Embry-Riddle University in Florida. The Constitution was widely distributed via fax, and steered many young passengers towards a more democratic form of ridership. It is time to resurrect this living document, and to let a new generation of passengers rightfully call SHOTGUN.



If there is any new case law I should be aware of for the Shotgun Constitution, please e-mail me at: andy@hedges.net. I will conduct a judicial review of your case and see whether it merits an amendment to the Constitution.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The
country is totally ruined and the government doesnt know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.. Other Latin American countries are sending
supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

(Sing along to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didnt matter cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.
Criminal record.
Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He cant spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin out with student folk.
And thats when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.
White gold.
Nose candy.

The next thing you know theres a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, George, stay at home with Mom.
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
Well buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.
Country clubs.
Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, Now the White House is the place I wanna be.
So he called his daddys friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is.
Falwell.
Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said Jeb, give the boy your state!
Dont let those colored folks get into the polls.
So they put up barricades so they couldnt punch their holes.
Chads, that is.
Duval County.
Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters Hey, we want George to win.
Stop counting votes! was their solemn invocation.
And thats how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is.
Illegitimate.
No moral authority.

Yall come vote now, ya hear?

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washingtons ghost in the White House. Bush asks: George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. Tom, George asks, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, Jefferson advises.

Bush isnt sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. Its Abraham Lincolns ghost. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Bush asks. Abe answers flatly, Go see a play.

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

Well, sir, were from Texas, and were used to the heat, says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. Ill check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS. He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. Well, sir, explains a Texan, when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this aint hardly nothing. The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let s see what happens when I turn OFF the heat, he says as he heads to the thermostat. Ill check on them tomorrow.

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans campsite, and they are all whoopin and hollerin and drinkin the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin like there is no tomorrow.

I dont get it, the Devil says, completely defeated. I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, Look around! Hell is frozen over. Thats just gotta mean George Bush got re-elected.

The Pope visits Washington and President Bush takes him for a ride down the Potomac on the presidential yacht. Theyre enjoying themselves when a gust of wind blows the Popes hat (zucchetto) off and out onto the water. The Secret Service begins to launch a boat but Bush waves them off saying, Wait. Ill take care of this.

Bush steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water, walks out a ways and picks up the hat. Back on board, he hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the Washington Post carries the story complete with photos under the heading: BUSH CANT SWIM.

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him Mr. President, I got 3 questions:

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Dont you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him Mr. President, I got 5 questions:

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Dont you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Wheres Bobby?

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

Youve ever uttered the phrase, Why dont we just bomb the sons of bitches.