Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

– His dick was stuck in the chicken.

What did the dress prove?

She didnt swallow.

Excerpt from Kenneth Starrs cross examination of President Clinton.

Starr: Now you told us earlier that you spent a lot of money on a face
lift for Ms. Lewinski. Would you like to clarify just how much money you
spent?

Clinton: No, no ,no. What I said was, I blew a wad on her
face.

One day, Bill and Hillary went out to dinner. The waiter asked Hillary
what she wanted. She said, Ill have the steak, well done, potato,
chicken soup… and the waiter asked, and the vegetable?

Hillary said, Oh, hell have the same.

Things came to a head last week and the name Monica Lewinsky is fast
becoming a real mouthful at the White House. The latest news about
President Clinton is definitely hard to swallow and seems certain to
leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the current administration. It
will be some time before all the stains resulting from this issue are
removed from the Oval Office.

Monica Lewinsky has proved to be not as tight lipped as Clinton had
hoped and is expected to spit out the truth to a Grand Jury tomorrow.
She will surely go down in history for her orations concerning the
comings and goings behind the doors of the Oval Office. Monica was
apparently on her knees when she received the recent gagging order
from the White House and now has to decide whether to swallow her pride
and dispose of the evidence, or to succumb to the deep throated
rumblings of the Washington Press Corp. and spill the issue wide open.

Any attempt by Lewinsky to suck up to Clinton can only be construed as
lip service and Clinton would be advised to try and minimize the
impact of this, the latest in a long series of blows he has received
since coming to power. Despite this latest blow, job security for the
President seems to be assured, as he can rely on his proven oral
skills to promote a career in public speaking, being, as he has often
shown, a cunning linguist. (Although Hillary Clinton may disagree with
this, as she claims she is rarely on the end of a tongue lashing from
Bill!)

Miss Lewinsky is from a naval background and her choice of Bill
Clinton as a lover is somewhat surprising, given her preference for
seamen. According to her lawyer, Miss Lewinsky likes to see men in
power and relished the thought of taking a length of time to chew things
over with the President, whenever she could fit him in. And the
President was equally keen to see Miss Lewinsky, always putting on a
spurt when he entered her office.

Miss Leweinsky has apparently been offered a PR job by Listerine, who
described her as spunky enough for any job. Her name has also been
associated with Big Gulp soda advertising and Kleenex.

Whats the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business?

The Oral Office.

Seems Bill wasted all that energy running for President.
He thought they said the Oral Office.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in
common?

They were both upset when Bill finished first.

How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in eventually.

How bout that Saddam Hussein? Im beginning to think the guys wacky. He announced that if hes found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney. –David Letterman

Saddam Hussein boycotted his trial in Bagdad this week. He just refused to come to the courthouse. So what, just so long as he shows up for the execution. Thats all I care about. –Jay Leno

At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, Im sorry, thats President Bush. –Jay Leno

Today in Baghdad, the judge in the Saddam Hussein trial said that Saddam was not a dictator. After saying this, Saddam was furious. He said, What does a guy have to do?. –Conan OBrien

President Bush said hes often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein isnt responsible for 9/11. Bush said all his responses are the same — Dad, quit asking me that.. –Jay Leno

The Senate Intelligence Committee — that almost sounds like an oxymoron — released a report this week saying theres no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaeda. Thank God we found that out before we did something crazy. –Jay Leno

The new Senate report that came out today said there is no evidence that Saddam Hussein had ties to al Qaeda before we invaded Iraq. Tony Snow, the White House spokesman, said this is just another partisan attempt to denigrate what administration officials worked so hard to pull out of their asses. –Bill Maher

Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people dont want you to die. –Jay Leno

Saddam Husseins trial began today, and during the proceedings, Saddam refused to identify himself. Luckily, everyone recognized him from that time he ran the country for 25 years. The trial was televised live throughout Iraq. Yeah, Iraqis were glued to their TV sets, mainly because years ago, Saddam had them glued to their TV sets. –Conan OBrien

Saddams trial, the TV event of the year. Its like the Oscars, but with atrocities. –Stephen Colbert

Saddam Husseins guards are giving interviews. … Apparently Saddam likes Raisin Bran for breakfast but hates Froot Loops. After hearing this, President Bush said, he hates Froot Loops; hes more evil than I thought. –Conan OBrien

Saddam has even been giving (his guards) advice on how to date women. He said what you do is play some Barry White in your spider hole. –David Letterman

Turns out Saddam Hussein is a neat freak who likes to eat Doritos and Cheetos all day. At least thats what he said on his profile for eharmony.com. –Jay Leno

This just in: People magazine has just named Saddam Hussein sexiest man alive. –David Letterman

Saddam Hussein in his underpants — finally some quality pornography for women, everything you need right there. –David Letterman

People in the Middle East are still angry about the picture. They said how would we like it if our leader was caught without his pants on? Uh, been there done that. –Jay Leno

It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush. -Bill Maher, on Saddams capture

Now that George Bush has captured Saddam Hussein, it raises the question, whats he going to get his dad for Christmas next year? -Jay Leno

President Bush says he doesnt want to use the capture of Saddam for political gain. He says he wants a very slow, public trial that would end, oh, about next November. -Jay Leno

For the last four days, theyve been interrogating Saddam Hussein. … He denies knowing Osama bin Laden. He said Oh sure, Id run into him at industry functions, but I didnt really know him. -David Letterman

Saddam was found cowering in his little hole in the ground. Supposedly, his goal was to remain in hiding until all the shooting stopped. Well, hey, it worked for the French. -Jay Leno

Saddams daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself. -Jay Leno

President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I dont know whats the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book. -Jay Leno

When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner -Conan OBrien

According to CNN, before the soldiers pulled him out of the hole, Saddam yelled Im willing to negotiate. Im no expert on the art of the deal, but when youre in a hole with 600 soldiers around, what is your bargaining chip? -Jay Leno

They found several pairs of Saddams boxer shorts in the hut and, by the way, that is the closest we have come to finding weapons of mass destruction. -David Letterman

Im watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the big beard and the whole thing and this might be a long shot in terms of theories are concerned – but is it possible that in the nine months he was on the run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi? -Jon Stewart

During his interrogation, Hussein was asked about weapons of mass destruction. He said the U.S. dreamed them up as a reason to go to war with us – and Howard Dean said Hey, thats my line! -Jay Leno

Yesterday, Democratic candidate Howard Dean was going to make a major speech on foreign policy but then Saddam Hussein was captured and he had to change the speech dramatically at the last second. The new title – Oh, Crap! -Conan OBrien

Officials say that when they tried to interview Saddam Hussein he was smug, curt and often sarcastic. Later, Saddam apologized and said he was just doing his impression of Donald Rumsfeld. -Conan OBrien

One day youre the leader of Iraq, the next day youre being checked for flees on FOX News. -David Letterman

Saddam Hussein just gave himself up. I mean hell, Michael Jackson put up more of a fight. -David Letterman

This guy was a wreck, you saw the pictures. They had to clean him up in a hurry; they had to give him an emergency Queer Eye makeover. -David Letterman

Youve seen the pictures. (Saddam) had that long beard. They say he was confused; he was disoriented. Its the same condition Al Gore was in before he endorsed Howard Dean. -David Letterman

Saddam Hussein has been captured. Im sure everyone knows that by now unless youve been living in a hole, in which case if you were, youre probably the guy they got. -Jon Stewart

Its ironic that they found him in a hole since the term A-hole has been used to describe him so many times. -Jay Leno

They took a DNA sample from him – thats gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said tell me about it! -Jay Leno

At the time of the capture he had $750,000 in cash on him. They think he was trying to buy three gallons of gas from Halliburton … $750,000 – you know what that means? He is now eligible for the Bush tax cut! -Jay Leno

Reaction is coming in from all over the world. The British government is praising the United States, the Spanish government said it was a great day, and the French government praised Saddam for the way he surrendered – We couldnt have done it quicker ourselves! -Jay Leno

When he was captured, he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didnt want him caught – the Democratic candidates. -Jay Leno

In footage thats already loosing shock value, doctors checked Saddam for lice and pronounced him a member of the Need a Bath party. -Jon Stewart

The individual who gave the tip leading to Huseins capture gets a $25 million award. Surprisingly, the mans name is Hall Halliburton. -Craig Kilborn

We have captured Saddam Hussein. President Bush said those two words that strike fear in the heart of every Californian: fair trial. -Craig Kilborn

Saddam Hussein got a full medical exam and treatment. How does it feel knowing the Butcher of Baghdad got a flu shot before you? -Craig Kilborn

Saddam was captured and living in a hole – a six-by-eight hole for ventilation. Here in New York City we call that the subway. -David Letterman

He was dirty, he had not bathed, he had a full scraggly frightening-looking beard, he had a bag full of cash, he was carrying a pistol, he had several un-opened packages of underwear – its like I have a twin! -David Letterman

Saddam Husseins brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. Thats good news. They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. … Saddams three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested, boy we are really making his life a living hell arent we? -David Letterman

The military said well be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA testing. Apparently we have an sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for the CIA? -Jay Leno

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours. -David Letterman

There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad. -Jay Leno

Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to believe he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle, arent they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy. -Jay Leno

Governor Pataki in New York says he knows what to do. He said we should take the toppled statues of Saddam Hussein, melt them down and put them in a new World Trade Center – to serve as a permanent reminder that America is a country that cannot tell Arabs apart. -Bill Maher

It does not look good for Saddam Hussein and his sons. Yesterday we bombed the restaurant where they were eating and today I went on the Internet and they were selling pieces of Uday and Qusay on eBay. -Jay Leno

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. Hes dead, then hes alive, then dead, then alive. Its just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. -David Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that its live. You know, its like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney. -David Letterman

We now have all of Saddams palaces and residences; he has no place to live. If Saddam thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait until he sees how Republicans treat the homeless. -Jay Leno

There are now reports that Saddam Hussein was injured in the initial U.S. bombing and hes now receiving medical care in an underground bunker. In fact, he asked his doctors if he was going to live and they told him, Oh yeah, absolutely, youll live – until the Americans get here … then youre screwed. -Jay Leno

Today a cruise missile blew up another part of Saddam Husseins presidential palace. Think about this, hes got yachts, hes got palaces, hes got luxury guards. No wonder why hes surrounded by the elite Republican Guard. Hes a Republican. -Jay Leno

New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesnt know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut. -Craig Kilborn

Saddam Hussein in his interview with Dan Rather said he would rather die than leave his country in exile. Finally, something we can agree on, hed rather die and wed rather kill him. -Jay Leno

In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything thats needed. Isnt that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and its for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out. -Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. Thats when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemys troops kill themselves. -Jay Leno

In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them. -Jay Leno

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know Im thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. -David Letterman

President Bushs approval rating has dropped another five points just in the last week. Its now down to 58 percent. Im not sure who should be more worried, Bush or Saddam Hussein. -Jay Leno

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan says he can think of no reason to attack Iraq right now. I can think of five off the top of my head: Shell, Exxon, Mobil, Texaco and BP. -Jay Leno

President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like the rerun of a bad movie. Well sure, theres a Bush in the White House, the economys going to hell, were going to war over oil. Ive seen this movie, havent I? -Jay Leno

In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president. -Jay Leno

As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, its about gasoline. -Jay Leno

U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this? -Jay Leno

According to military analysts, an invasion of Iraq by U.S. forces could cost between $20 and $50 billion. The Pentagon announced that it would offset those costs by referring to it as the Verizon Wireless/Pizza Hut War Against Iraq. -Tina Fey, Saturday Night Lives Weekend Update

Saddam Hussein has agreed to let UN weapons inspectors in Iraq. But he also said under no circumstances will Geraldo be let back in the country. -Conan OBrien

They are trying to get that crazy guy Saddam Hussein into exile. So far, the only offer he has is two weeks on Sean Penns couch. -David Letterman

The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to find a safe haven for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley? -Jay Leno

Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped. -Jon Stewart

The bill gives the president the power to wage war on Iraq – or, as President Bush calls it, Operation Re-election. -Jay Leno, on the vote in Congress to authorize war against Iraq

President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the presidents address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech When Presidents Attack. -Conan OBrien

Its like theyre the Wal-Mart of evil. -Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bushs description of Iraq as a country that gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place

More and more information coming out on Saddam Hussein. We now know that he has, like, 24 presidential palaces. Each one of these palaces of Saddams has a dolphin pool and an amusement park. Well, if you didnt think this guy was creepy before – now hes starting to sound like Michael Jackson. -David Letterman

President Bush is asking Congress for permission to wage war on Iraq. Some members of Congress are reluctant to go along with the plan so far. All Bush needs to do is remind these guys that, in Iraq, an adulterer gets stoned to death. -Jay Leno

What was left unclear…is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh…1982 Saddam. -Jon Stewart

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – hes one of their own. -Jay Leno

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. Thats bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel. -David Letterman

Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio. -Jay Leno

President Bush said its now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished. -Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there. -Jay Leno

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, theyre all lining up. -Jay Leno

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said hed like to help, but hes pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. -Conan OBrien

Germany is now saying that they wont go along with an invasion of Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion included Poland, France and Belgium. -Jay Leno

A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bushs dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father. -Jay Leno

Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will be allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we cant even get the people of Florida to choose their own leaders. -Jay Leno

I never give my opinion on political matters, but before we bomb Iraq, lets wait two weeks until Geraldo is over there. -Craig Kilborn

The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think thats President Bushs Fathers Day gift to his Dad. -Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. Whats next, a health care plan? -Jay Leno

The U.S. and several of our allies have been trying to secretly to convince Saddam Hussein to step down from power and go into exile forever. Its called Operation Al Gore. -Jay Leno

The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida. -Conan OBrien

Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg. -David Letterman

Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, thats according to Saddams campaign manager, Jeb Hussein. -Jay Leno

Heres something dreadful I heard about. You know these suicide bombers. Turns out Saddam Hussein is paying these people. Hes paying people money to blow themselves up. Isnt that nuts? Isnt that just bizarre? More bizarre than that, recently he increased their salary. The increase is $10,000 to $25,000 for a suicide bombing. Coincidentally, thats the same deal I signed up for with CBS. -David Letterman

Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. I was sweating like Saddam Hussein watching Bushs poll numbers drop. -Jay Leno

President Bush gave his speech outlining the case against Iraq, and the Fox network was the only major network to televise the presidents address. Not surprisingly, Fox insisted on calling the speech When Presidents Attack. -Conan OBrien

Its like theyre the Wal-Mart of evil. -Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bushs description of Iraq as a country that gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting. Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting. -Jon Stewart

What was left unclear…is what will happen after Saddam is gone? Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep the country under control, maintain regional balance of power. Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh…1982 Saddam. -Jon Stewart

In a bizarre move, Saddam Hussein has released all prisoners being held in Iraqi jails. Isnt that amazing? Iraq has prisoners that are still alive. -Jay Leno

Isnt it funny how people say theyll never grow up to be their parents, then one day they look in the mirror and theyre moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf region? -from The Onions question man about President Bushs plans for war with Iraq

The New York Times is reporting that President Bush now has a formal plan for attacking Iraq. They say the key to this plan is timing. As soon as Bushs popularity falls below 52 percent, then it goes into effect. -Jay Leno, July 2002

(These jokes are from various media sources.)