A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?

The Officer replies, The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking round taking up a collection for him.

Oh really? How much have you collected so far?

So far only about three hundred gallons but Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning.

George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Osama are on an airplane.
Washington takes a quarter, drops it out of the plane and says, This is for my country.
Lincoln takes out a penny and drops it out of the plane and says, This is for my country.
Osama takes a bomb and drops it out of the plane and says, This is for my country.
They land and Washington sees a girl crying and he asks her why. She tells him that she was hit in the head with a quarter and then Washington apologizes.
Then Lincoln sees a boy crying and asks him why. He says that he was hit on the head with a penny and Lincoln apologizes.
Then Osama sees a boy cracking up and he asks him why. The boy replies, Daddy farted and then the house blew up!

Lighting up in a smoke-free cave
On enlightening journey to Mecca, suggesting you go see K-Pax
Questioning strategy of battling Stealth bombers with a stick
Overdrawing your checking account at Talibank
Nominating Al Gore for membership because he has a beard
After President Bush speech, remarking, You know, the guy has some valid points about us being completely insane
Shaving your beard just to see if the Gillette Mach 3 with patented comfort edges really does give you the cleanest, smoothest shave possible
Parking your camel in the Supreme Leaders space
Calling Osama Bin Laden by his real first name, Earl
Mailing Anthrax without proper postage

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

From rough draft of my Top Stories of 1994 Article:

The Chunnel, a $13.3 billion underwater tunnel between England and France, opens for business. Inexplicably, passengers arrive in Paris, but their luggage winds up in the luggage carousel at the new Denver International Airport.
Paula Corbin Jones accuses President Clinton of directing state troopers to lure her into an Arkansas hotel room where he lewdly dropped his trousers and said its clear you want me, cupid. Clinton admits to being in the hotel room, but claims all he said was its the economy, stupid.
Fighting sexual harassment charges, Oregon Senator Bob Packwood refuses to hand over his diaries to the Senate Ethics Committee. He partially capitulates, agreeing to surrender seventeen boxed and indexed sets of his Letters to Penthouse.
Francisco Martin Duran fires 20-30 shots at White House. Fortunately, President Clinton is upstairs watching a football game. Unfortunately, Secret Service agents are downstairs watching some of Justice Clarence Thomas porno tapes, and In The Line of Fire for the millionth time.
Scientists at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory near Chicago report finding the top quark – the sixth and last category of the smallest unit of matter. The celebration lasts until dawn when the drunken mob of pocket-protected Ph.Ds makes a panty raid at the home of Marilyn Vos Savant.
Saudi Arabian Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud rescues Euro-Disney with $439 million in new capital. The amusement park is immediately renamed Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud Land.
Pope John Paul II releases On Reserving Priestly Ordination to Men Alone. Catholic men everywhere get a taste of celibacy for a few angry weeks.
The FDA approves additional genetically enhanced vegetables: 3 tomatoes, 1 squash, 1 potato, and an improved variant of Strom Thurmond.
A federal court forces The Citadel to admit Shannon Faulkner, its first female cadet. Claiming she is only being treated equally, administrators insist she shave her head, wear a jock strap, and put up Kathy Ireland posters.
The Tennessee Health Department confirms its original 1977 Coroners Report which found that Elvis died of heart disease, not a drug overdose. In a press conference at an Iowa Burger King, Elvis announces that he feels vindicated.
A Randolph County, Alabama high school principal cancels the prom over opposition to interracial dating. He receives substantial support from many small-town Alabamans who not only date in their own race, but in their own immediate family.
Womens rights groups are irate upon learning that landmark breast cancer research was performed exclusively on male subjects. Later, activists admit that Fabio does have fairly typical breasts, though a much smaller brain.

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

I will give each of you each one wish, thats three wishes total, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.

With a blink of the Genies eye, POOF the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state.

Again, with a blink of the Genies eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asks, Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, Well, its about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out—virtually impenetrable.

Uncle Sam says, Fill it with water.

A local throwaway paper has a column called News of the Weird which
may be syndicated. Excerpting…

George Bushs August message attempting to woo the support of the
National Letter Carriers missed its mark because campaign officials
sent the message by Federal Express, whose deliveries the union refuses
to accept.

Maurice Suhre

10th…Scattered @#$%^& showers my ass..Noah 4314
9th…How the @#$% did you work that out!..Pythagorus 126BC
8th… You want what on the @#$%^$ ceiling?..Michealangelo 1566
7th…where did all those @#$%^& indians come from?..Custer 1877
6th…It does so @#$%^ look like her!..Picasso 1926
5th…So where the @#$% are we?..Ameleia Earhart 1937
4th…Any @#$%^& Idiot could understand that!..Einstein 1938
3rd…What the @#$% was that??.. Mayor of Hiroshima 1945
2nd..I need this parade like I need a @#$%#$% hole in the head !..JFK 1963
1st…Aw..Cmon..Who the @#$% is gonna find out?..Bill Clinton 1997

One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat."The second boy said, "I want a truck."And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?" The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!"

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
If you keep asking your wife where are the kids?, but you dont
really have a wife and youre talking to the refridgerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Had Spuds McKenzie tattoo removed, replaced it with Red Dog.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Beer: its not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
At AA meeting you begin: Hi, my name is… uh…
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and Women.
Every night youre beginning to find your roomates cat more attractive.
Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol
calories.
The bottles empty…thats the problem!
Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
Roseanne looks good.
Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
You drink to get over a hangover.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
Newt Gingrich…. hes soooo sexy.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the
Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
The shrubberys drunk from frequent watering.
Do you (your name) take this woman…..
Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
Double vision so much the norm, you cant function without it.
You listen to the radio and start dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
You cant remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
Havent stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.

Hillary Clinton died one day and went to heaven and there were thousands of clocks. She asked why there were so many clocks? The angel that was standing there told her that each clock represents a person, when a person lies it ticks one second. She asked to see her husbands. The angel studerd for a second and then gave some huge ear muffs to her with a earpiece. The angel showed Hillary to a huge room on the wall was mounted a digital clock that was ticking like hell. She looked around and saw MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of insane angels mumbling Tick, tick tick, tock, tock tock.. and MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of broken clocks. The angel sighed and said we had to go to digital