Overheard on unidentified radio station. Humorous sketch involving reporter
and senator (country unspecified):

Reporter: But Senator, what have you to say to the problem of young
Miguel, only 12 years old, who has to hustle on the sidewalk
to sell his 15-year-old sister?

Senator: How much is the sister?

Do you fancy working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Given up yet?

Its the 535 members of the United States Congress, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Youve ever called education a luxury.

As he walked through the pearly gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, St. Peter, whats the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?



St. Peter replied, The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move.



Click. The minute hand on Sams clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute. Sam must be into closing a customer right now, said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.



The man continues to look around. Whose clock is this? asked the man.



That clock belongs to the widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasnt moved in a year or two.



The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, Ive seen everyones clock but President Clintons. Where is his clock?



Saint Peter smiled, Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan.

…and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ? Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: Ive come for some courage. NO PROBLEM! says the Wizard. WHO IS NEXT? Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well, I think I need a brain. DONE says the Wizard. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ? Up steps George Bush sadly, Im told by the American people that I need a heart. IVE HEARD ITS TRUE! says the Wizard. CONSIDER IT DONE. There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesnt say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WHAT DO YOU WANT? Is Dorothy here?

An article appeared in the Denver Rocky Mountain News today:

When President Clinton heard there were 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado, he immediately ordered Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt to fire half of them.

Pat Schroeder, Congresswoman from Colorado stepped to request that the cattle guards should receive six months of retraining.

Newspaper people in the state swear this is all true!

We KNOW this is bunk! Cattle Guards have a union!

Optional M.O.M. technology automatically yells at you to Go outside and get some fresh air for every hour of game play.
Built-in catheter helps extend those marathon DOOM sessions!
Makes you feel really cool for a couple of weeks, with nearly twice as many Ill be your best friend offers!
Broadband access enables joystick to double as a SCUD missile launcher.
You can play it naked!
Razzes you about how your country still cant even manufacture a decent television set.
Panic button switches the screen to porn whenever your wife walks in the room, so she wont think youre a game geek.
Timer automatically counts down to exact moment of obsolescence.
Groundbreaking, truly interactive technology allows you to use your own penis, or that of a friend, as a joystick.
New Campaign 2000 edition has an Al Gore thats 33% more lifelike than the original, a George W. Bush with realistic SnortSurround sound, and a Ralph Nader which doesnt do anything for itself, but helps destruct competing models.
Special butter churn attachment for Elijahs Virtual Churnmaster 3000 results in awesome, realistic butter churning!
Label on underside has cool recipe for vegan babaganoush.
Secret command sequence causes head of annoying dweeb who lives next door to explode.
CPU now draws a full 75% of its power from your pent-up sexual frustration.

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Cool Feature of the Sony PlayStation 2 …

Highspeed internet access allows you to play online with other losers who paid $1000 for a friggin toy.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

Who Says Theres No Such Thing As a Stupid Question?

These are questions that people actually asked of Park
Rangers around the country, proving once again that there
is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121)

Grand Canyon National Park
————————————-
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom —
where is it?
Is the mule train air conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park
——————————-
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two oclock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)
———————————-
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park
———————————
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas — their own made-up
religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park
——————————————
How much of the cave is underground?
So whats in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this — just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park
——————————-
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President
Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park
———————————
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where
are the exits?

Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?

He couldnt give her a pink slip without asking her to try it
on first.

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."

She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "Its me!" and hangs up.

G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, thats a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "Its me!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says, "Its Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! Its Tony Blair!"