Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack
If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some
You dont have to compliment the person who gives you candy
The person you are with doesnt fantasize you are someone else
Forty years from now you will still enjoy candy
If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you are kinky
Doesnt matter if the kids hear you moan and groan
Less guilt the next morning
If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.

President Clinton was on his usuall jog for the day when he saw a little boy who had several puppies with him. The President asked him what their names where, the little boy said their names are DEMOCRATICS. The Pres. said oh what great namews for the puppies.

So the next day president Clinton went jogging with his duaghter Chelse so that she could see the puppies and when they came up to the little boy, the president told him to tell Chelse the puppies names; and the little boy replied thier names are REPUBLICANS.

Then the president said you told me yesterday that thier were DEMOCRATICS, and the little said yeah that was yesterday when their eyers were closed, but today theire opened.

If the Clintons divorce before 1996, who will get the house?

Top Ten Things Overheard in the White House

10. Socks just has to go on a very long vacation, thats all.

9. Dad, who are those people on the lawn trying to look through my windows?

8. How many times have your father and I told you not to tickle the man
with the briefcase handcuffed to his wrist, young lady?

7. We all would have liked for your friend to come over to play, Chelsea,
but shes a foreign national.

6. Im sorry the secret service guard wouldnt let you kiss your date,
honey, but he was just being careful.

5. No, I cant come to school for career day, Chelsea.

4. Thats MY chair, Hillary.

3. Chelsea, just because your mother and I smoke it doesnt mean you can.

2. Because Im the President, THATS why.

1. My dad? Hes taking a nap, President Yeltsin. Can I take a message?

MONDAY 8:00 Husseinfeld 8:30 Mad About Everything 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions 9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right 9:30 No-witness News

WEDNESDAY 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy 9:00 Judge Saddam 9:30 (edited)

THURSDAY 8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi 8:30 Achmeds Creek 9:00 Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses 9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things 9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H 9:30 Veilwatch

Osama bin Laden finally gets his due when a one-ton tomahawk



missile lands



on his tent one day. He immediately goes to



hell, where the devil is waiting



for him.



I dont know what to do here, says the devil. You are on



my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to



stay here,



so Ill tell you what Im going to do: Ive got a



couple of people here



who werent quite as bad as you. Ill



let one of them go, but you have



to take their place. Ill



even let YOU decide who leaves.



Osama bin



Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil



opened the first room.



In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept



diving in and



surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over.



Such was his fate in hell.



No, said Osama bin Laden, I dont think so. Im not a good



swimmer and



I dont think I could do that all day long.



The devil led him to the



next room. In it was the Ayatollah



Khomeini with a sledge-hammer and a



room full of rocks. All



he did was swing that hammer, time after time after



time.



No, Ive got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in



constant



agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,



commented Osama bin Laden.



The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill



Clinton,



lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head,



and his legs staked



in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was



Monica Lewinsky, doing what she



does best. Osama bin Laden



looked in disbelief and finally said, Yeah,



I can handle



this.



The devil smiled and said, OK, Monica, youre free



to go.

CARSON CITY, Nev., Dec. 23 (UPI) – A legal brothel outside Carson City, Nev. is offering first-time elected officials a 99 percent discount to help them avoid the kind of scandal that could cost Bill Clinton the presidency.

Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunnyranch, says his longtime clientele includes a number of prominent U.S. senators and congressmen who dont want to risk their political careers by having extra-marital sex with women who blab. The brothel promises strict confidentiality.

Hof said today he persuaded his employees, who are independent contractors, to go along with the offer, which expires when Clintons Senate impeachment trial ends.

He got the idea while attending a Christmas party thrown by publisher Larry Flynt.

The Hustler publisher announced last week that he had uncovered evidence of extramarital affairs by several GOP congressmen, and planned to publish it.

Hof said, Whats this world come to when Larry Flynt is now the congressional morality policeman? I mean, I love Larry, but come on.

Hof, a self-described staunch Republican, said, I didnt vote for Bill Clinton, but the right-wing Republicans are going to such extremes, its making me crazy. Larry did the right thing.

Since the discount offer was made public last week, Hof said he had fielded seven or eight calls a day from reporters and has received a few calls from people claiming to represent unnamed elected officials.

But they have been very cautious not to identify themselves, so we dont know whether they are playing around or are people from the state Legislature.

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky had her love handles removed.

Bill says she looks funny without ears.

Bill Clinton Nicknames

McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill well be paying for years
Commander-in-thief
Hillary Rodham
the Great Pretender
Willy the Weasel

Hillary Clinton nicknames

Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Robbery Hillham

Dont feel sorry for Monica. Shell be back on her knees in no time!