You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Youve ever said the phrase, Civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

What did Clinton tell his lawyer after Monica Lewinski testified?

She said a mouthful.

Signs Youve Eaten Too Much

As presented on the 11/29/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net
9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams
8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps
7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker
6. Strangers keep addressing you as Mr. President
5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read Good Lord!
4. You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock
3. People keep looking at you and saying, I thought the Macys Parade was over
2. Your relatives cant go home because theyre stuck in your gravitational field.
1. Youre sweatin gravy, my friend!

Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.

Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clintons inaugural ball.

After looking around, Kirk says: Beam us up, Scotty. Theres no intelligent life down on this one.

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, I sure would like to go to Disneyland. George said, No problem. Ill take you there on Air Force One.

The second kid said, I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordans. George said, Ill get them for you and even have Michael sign them!

The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!! George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, But you dont look like you are injured. The kid says, I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!

Rumor has it that Clinton has switched to smoking ciggarettes.

It seems he has decided that cigars are for pussies.

Nixon:Watergate

Clinton:Waterbed

 

Nixon:His biggest fear – the Cold War

Clinton:His biggest fear – a Cold Sore

 

Nixon:Worried about carpet bombs

Clinton:Worried about carpet burns

 

Nixon:His Vice President was a Greek

Clinton:His Vice President is a geek

 

Nixon:Couldnt stop Kissinger

Clinton:Couldnt stop kissing her

 

Nixon:Couldnt explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape

Clinton:Couldnt explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

 

Nixon:His nickname was Tricky Dick

Clinton:same

 

Nixon:Ex-President

Clinton:Sex-President

 

Nixon:Known for campaign slogan Nixons The One

Clinton:Known for women pointing at him saying, Hes the one!

 

Nixon:Famous for his widows peak

Clinton:Famous for bringing widows to their peak

 

Nixon:Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy

Clinton:Well acquainted with the G Spot

 

Nixon:Took on Ho Chi Minh

Clinton:Took on Ho

 

Nixon:Talked about achieving peace with honor

Clinton:Talked about getting a piece while on her

Best quote from the Bill/Monica scandal is from Dick Armey when asked what he would do in Clintons position: If I were in the Presidents position, I would be looking up from a pool of blood, hearing my wife say How the hell do I reload this thing?