Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, hes acting.

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?

Sat on the Presidential Staff

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses?

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses?

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, Yes I am.

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.

I wrote these for our campus humor paper before Christmas break. Some are
UCSD specific, like our new rule banning fighting words. Some were written
before Romania revolted. And some might be offensive. Bearing that in
mind…

The first arrest under the new fighting words policy was made. A
reggae group performing in the Price Center was arrested after singing a song
calling for the end to apartheid in South Africa and whipping up student
fervor. A spokesperson for the police said that the Regents could not tolerate
anyone claiming the world wasnt as kind and gentle as President Bush had
officially declared it was.

The federal government completed the phasing out of lobbying in Congress,
calling it a serious breach of democracy and not in the best interests of the
nation. It will be replaced by a series of public auctions where both
senators and representatives votes will be sold to the highest bidder.
Already, most big businesses and many organized religions have applied for
bidding privileges, gearing up to purchase votes for the bill that is now
before Congress: whether to indict Senator Alan Cranston for ethics
violations.

The FBI, using its new authority to arrest criminals around the world
without the host countrys consent, descended on Mexico last week. They
arrested a Mexican national for possession of one joint, and under the America
zero tolerance law, confiscated the entire country. President Salinas lashed
out at the FBIs action, calling it an unjustifiable breach of international
law, but an FBI spokesman told Salinas to shut up and finish scrubbing out the
lavatory.

President Bush harshly denounced the Communist governments still holding
out against reform. He criticized their violent suppression of political
demonstrations and food riots, saying that police force should not be used to
solve social problems. He stressed the importance of helping people to reform,
rather than sentencing them to unprofitable incarceration. He then excused
himself to attend a War On Drugs rally.

More news later from Koala News, UCSDs news leaders.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

You came of age in the 60s and dont remember Bob Dylan.

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to save America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.

Dole says, Well Bill, the Republicans arent to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, well think about it.

So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest nights work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.

Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Heres the deal. Im giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we wont pass it.

But what if I get a 12? Bill asks. And Bob replies, You get to roll again.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Its irrelevant; they still dont accept the fact that theyre in the dark!

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite stores return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.