Newsgroups: alt.angst

Subject: Take me to your leader

From: Dennis

UFOs are nothing to worry about

There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting Earth. Well, the only person who could pull off that kind of conspiracy was buried last week. Clinton cant even hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon. Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes. Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11 right now.

Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere.

Well if these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens. Im not sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct guys named Bubba from Mississippi swamp land. And if they are going to abduct people like this, why do they give them back?

And what is the deal with crashed UFOs? They somehow negotiated the cosmos only to be felled by a tricky cross wind in New Mexico? Where did they learn to drive? Utah?

There are enough real things to be worried about other than aliens in a government relocation program. I personally worry that just about any day now The Cable Company is going to announce to the world that it really is The Phone Company in disguise and that they are really, really mad about the break up of AT&T.

You think the advertisements for phone services are bad, just wait till the TV giants go at it. I worry that those fiber optic cables run both directions and that they have enough dirt on all of us to make Nixon look like the saint he was portrayed as in all those eulogies.

Heck, maybe TV is part of the alien conspiracy plot. Maybe a silver ship will land on the White House lawn like in the movie The Day the Earth Stood Still and out will step Ted Turner and Ross Perot who rip off their rubber faces only to reveal the hideous truth … that they are still Ted Turner and Ross Perot.

We come in peace. We come to bring you affordable cable TV. Yeah, it could be true, my psychic friend said so.

I think we should get a refund every time the cable company shows a Police Academy movie. I think C-Span and the Home Shopping Network should combine so that you could actually buy senators form the comfort of your own home. I think there is too much sex and violence … in professional sports. I think if you turn down the sound, the video babes and studs on MTV and the Nashville Network are starting to look eerily alike. I think line dancing is a plot to bring back disco.

Im worried that people are actually starting to commit bazaar crimes just so they can meet Connie Chung or Phil Donahue. Im worried about the mixed morals of people who have both radar detectors and car alarms. To counteract this, I think police should hand out car alarm detectors to criminals.

I wonder if milk does a body good why hasnt a cow ever won the Kentucky Derby?

I worry that those Soloflex and Nordic Trak machines seem to make mens chest hair fall out. Really, look closely at the before and after pictures sometime. I wonder what kind of chair people with Buns of Steel find comfortable? I wonder if the Juice Man has any teeth?

I wonder if the UFO conspiracy guy isnt right after all.

Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet

Q: What is Hillarys favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.

A husband and wife were watching the news on television: The devastation
at the World Trade Center; the videos of people from different countries
around the world crying with Americans over events of the past few weeks;
reporters updating attempting to analyze political strategy; and
President Bush making speeches.The wife turned to the husband and said, You know, I thank God every
night that Bush is our President. I feel so safe knowing he is our
leader and that he will do the right thing. He is doing such a wonderful
job.The husband turned red in the face, gritted his teeth, clenched his fists
and screamed…JUST SHUT UP, TIPPER!

By accident Hillary Clinton and Bob Dole met.

If I were your wive, Hilary said, Id put poison in your coffee.

And if I were your husband, replied Bob, Id gladly drink it.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the Bill Clinton Highway?
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.

How did Bill Clinton get the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the National
Security Council to agree to bomb the Sudan and Afgahnistan?

He called them all together, stood in front of them and said, If you do
not agree with me, just open your mouth.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bills college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks.

Hillary says to Janet, Youre lucky that you dont have to put up with men having sex with you.

I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.

Janet responded, Just because I am aesthetically challenged (thats politically correct for ugly) doesnt mean I dont have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.

Hillary asks, Well, how do you deal with the problem?

Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can, says Janet.

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.

She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, Janet, is that you?